A study published today by the Institute of Drugs indicates that the consumption of drugs cures boredom.
“Drugs are an irrefutable cure for the experience of boredom,” claimed the study leader Terence Earle. “Our studies show that if you provide drugs to a human who is feeling bored then almost immediately after consuming the drugs that same human will no longer be suffering from boredom, it’s quite extraordinary.”
“In our studies into the effectiveness of drugs as a cure for boredom we examined all sorts of drugs and all sorts of boring situations,” he continued. “We showed that smoking cannabis can drastically improve the enjoyment of boring situations like school, day time television, church or simply existing.”
Those people who smoked cannabis, like the woman pictured after the cannabis had been administered, were better able to enjoy the mild lethargy of day time television, claims Terence, with some people even reporting that they found day time soap operas “passable and quite funny” after having smoked the drug.
“Even the pansy, accepted drugs like alcohol, cigarettes and sugar can alleviate boredom,” added Terence.
Terence claims that the most effective drug for alleviating the symptoms of boredom over extended periods of time was ecstasy, contending that “the drug ecstasy is particularly effective in how it makes music more enjoyable for the listener”.
“People can spend 12 hours in a techno club listening to a multitude of tracks that all sound broadly similar without once feeling bored,” he continued. “More often than not they’re actually having an experience which ranks somewhere on the opposite end of the spectrum from boredom.”
The drug ecstasy, Terence says, has even been known to make “piss-poor” music vaguely listenable because of its boredom relieving properties claiming “it can even make commercial EDM cunt music appealing” but insists that it is more effective on “undiscerning idiots rather than actual dance music fans”.
“The continued existence of EDM is the perfect evidence for the efficacy of ecstasy in making unappealing situations endurable,” he added.
“There is wide scope for the treatment of boredom with real world applications thanks to our research,” concluded Terence. “I recommend that if you are a young person suffering from boredom in an urban area with no local amenities then you should alleviate your symptoms immediately with illegal street drugs. Your boredom will be a thing of the past.”