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Bono To Have His Vagina Licked For Cash

Bono has today announced that he will shun cash for the entirety of 2017, instead choosing to have the balls licked off him after every gig in an act he is insisting will be known as “cunnilingus”.

Bono, who recently picked up the the accolade of being named as one of Glamour Magazine’s “Women of the Year 2016” has decided to let the award go straight to his head and shall be seeing this avenue out in a literal sense in every part of his life.

“Yeah man, I mean, if I can win a woman of the year then surely it stands to reason I’m just as capable as the next lady of getting a right licking out? I mean, if the world can’t understand that then what kind of a planetary nation are we?”

“If we live on a spinning, floating chunk of rock that’s just hovering in a giant never-ending nothingness expanse called the universe and nobody has a fucking clue how we got here, and people are able to get their head around that, but when a mid-fifites four-eyed up-his-own-arse popstar wants to lie horizontal and have the balls licked off him while pretending he is an award-winning lady in lieu of payment, but all the while dressed as a man and called Bono, and people can’t get their head around that…. well that’s not the kind of world I want to live in.”

“People would want to start figuring how to cope with this shit or it’s off to space with me to find somewhere decent. Seriously.”

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