Possibly the most exciting, cutting-edge feature of this new device is its new ‘projection branding’ capabilities, set to revolutionize branding opportunities within the booth.

“Yeah… we’re pretty excited,” said Chris Fadar, Head of Sentences About Excitement at Pioneer. 

“It started with a very simple premise.”

“Where else can we stick our logo?”

“We stuck it on the back of each deck. We stuck it on the back of the mixer. We stuck it on the side of the decks. It’s on the front. It’s on the main panel. We even threw in some extra peel-off stickers so up-and-coming DJs could put them on their bunk beds or pencil cases, or hand them out at school.”

“We even give them t-shirts, caps, and hoodies with the logo on.”

“The solution to our problem was staring us right in the face.”

“Literally.”

“I was standing at home, when my TV projector accidentally shone in my face, and I thought …“we can inflict this on DJs”

“And the forehead projector was born. It makes the mixer about 3 times heavier, and it heats up like a bitch… bit of a fire hazard actually, but it opens DJs’ foreheads up to a world of possibilities and corporate opportunity”

“Now DJs can not only project the Pioneer logo on their faces, but they can rotate advertisements on their forehead throughout their set”

“Given that most people stare at the DJ for the entirety of the set, take photos, videos, live stream them and share them on social… the potential reach of these forehead branding campaigns is phenomenal’

“We’ll also be sharing the revenue from these ads with the DJs, using the Spotify model. Every 1 million ads we run on your forehead, we pay you $2.”

“This gives DJs a chance to turn their unused foreheads into another extremely disappointing revenue stream, which is the backbone of this industry and something we’re keen to support”

Either that, or they’ve developed the ability to mindread stage production staff and know their every move before they make it, scientists have concluded. 

These superhuman abilities allow DJs to carry out impressive feats that other mere mortals could only dream of. 

Perfectly mixing forty-five minutes of non-stop music to a continuous fireworks display, is one particularly impressive act of musical clairvoyance that has impressed many in the music industry, with some left scratching their heads how it could be possible. 

Doing the exact same forty-five minute set matched out beat-for-beat to a slickly-produced set of visuals, created weeks earlier, and mapped across 65 giant LED screens, is just as impressive, and borderline ‘messiah-like’ claimed one baffled fan found crying in the car park. 

Throw in the fact they do this synced second-for-second to the flame and Co2 cannons, and it’s clear to see that DJs are evolving alien-like skills that most humans are not. 

Keeping a straight face when asking for fifty thousand for a forty-five-minute set, is another skill most humans on the planet don’t possess.

Being able to look your peers in the eye as you wrap up your “musical journey” forty-five mins after arriving into the booth, is another skill baffling scientists around the globe. 

In an attempt to study some of these abnormalities, Scientists have been taking DNA swaps from members of the DJ Mag Top 100, to look for DNA patterns or deviations from the norm.

So far, they have been unable to find any signs of life.

Following a factory mishap, many faulty CDJ3000 units are transforming into shapeshifting killer organisms that will bring destruction to the world – whilst being fully compatible with Rekordbox. 

Pioneer’s HQ, which created the new unit with A.I start-up Skynet, broke their silence today. Amidst sounds of rifle shots, alarms and screaming, Pioneers press officer sighed: “We’d hoped the CDJ3000s new processing power would enable us to bring exciting new functions. Little did we know those would include an eco-skeleton of mimetic poly-alloy that can morph seamlessly into blades, hooks and other maiming-based weaponry. Our marketing team think this could be a selling point for DJs at, oh I dunno, Ocean Beach Club in Ibiza.”

The knock-on effects of the tech blunder have meant DJs everywhere find themselves in imminent danger. Many are now considering proper jobs.

“I used the new Pro DJ Link Lighting feature” one bedroom DJ told Wunderground “Suddenly the unit spouted a liquid metal spike, impaling me to the wall through my rib-cage. You don’t happen to know the number for Customer Support do you?” 

Despite the risk, many have insisted they will still be upgrading their decks with a pair of the deadly robotic machines.  One DJ told us “Whilst there is a threat the CDJ3000 is capable of a genocidal rampage involving sawn-off shot guns and exploding 16-wheelers, I’d rather all that than mix off a Denon”

“Yes, a pandemic was very likely, and yes vista was shit and yes, I am in the Illuminati. They’re actually a great bunch of guys and it gives me a sense of community I don’t get elsewhere.”

“But don’t come crying to me just because you stuck your nan in a care home and now she’s dead.”

“I warned you all this would happen. Now the Tinfoil hat brigade is blaming me? It’s my virus all of a sudden?”

“Listen, folks, if this was a Windows virus you would just download Norton or McAfee and it would all go away. This is nothing to do with me. You’ve brought this all on yourselves.”

“Serves you right for moving to Mac anyway you little geek.”

Hans Burn, a network logistics operator with the New World Order has admitted to installing a 5G tower on the outskirts of London at the beginning of February 2020, before heading home to write a suicide note and wait for the 5G to wisp him away to a better place.

‘I’ll admit it is taking a bit longer than I had expected’ admits Burn. ‘Although I did have a sniffly nose yesterday morning after my breakfast. I’m not sure if that’s the 5G-induced Coronavirus coming to sweep me off to the dark side for all eternity, or my dairy allergies giving me grief again, but I’m sure it’s working.’

‘One positive takeaway from this whole thing is the unrivalled download speeds, I highly doubt other forms of suicide offer 8 gigabits per second download speeds.”

“To be honest, I’ve been enjoying un-buffered access to my pals around the world through video chats and gaming so much that I don’t really want to die anymore.’

‘But the tower is up now. It’s beaming it’s evil beamy-ness at me. It’s not like I didn’t know this would happen when I installed it.”

“I’ve made my own bed, now I have to lie in it.’ 

The device is set to replace all of the CDJ products released before the 2000s line, which has become industry standard across the globe.

“We’re really excited about the acoustic CDJ,” claimed Alan Proctor, head of development at Pioneer DJ. “It’s oldschool and modern all at the same time, which is something we’ve been trying to tap into for years now. All of its features are one hundred percent clockwork, you’ll even have to wind it before playing each track, the kids are going to love these.”

“But the real ace in the pack, the piste de resistance if you will, is that its sound is fifty percent analogue and fifty percent digital, it’s the first time anyone has managed to combine both mediums in one device,” continued Proctor. “This is the sliced bread of DJing equipment, possibly even the entire music industry.”

Adam Wilson, an impressionable teenager, admits that he doesn’t really understand how an acoustic CDJ will work but he definitely wants to get a set.

“They sound totally amazing,” Wilson said enthusiastically. “I’m not sure what acoustic means but they’re new and shiny and the lads in my class won’t have them so I definitely want to get some. Everyone will be dead jealous of me.”

Pioneer DJ have also revealed they will be releasing a limited number of special edition CDJ 1s, which will be made using reconditioned acoustic guitars, to give them “extra credibility”.

Barry Angelo, a.k.a., DJ Banjo, confirmed the news during a late night drinking session last weekend.

“I’ve been thinking about starting a new drawer for a while now,” Angelo told Wunderground. “The three cable drawers that I have at the moment are starting to overflow so there’s definitely a good reason to get a new one started, I just need to figure out exactly where I’m going to put it.”

“My bird suggested I should just throw some of them out, the absolute moron,” continued the DJ. “She’s not a DJ so she obviously hasn’t got a fucking clue. She was picking out cables and asking me what I need them for, I didn’t know what half of them were but you know yourself, you never know when one of these inanimate cables is going to come in handy.”

“They’re all in really good nick too mate, some of them look like they’ve never even be used so there’s no way I’d be throwing them out,” he said firmly. “If anything, I should be insuring them, there are probably tens of pounds worth of copper alone in those drawers.”

“At the moment, the drawers are spread throughout the house, so I’m thinking of centralizing them all into one room, maybe even one chest of drawers,” he continued. “I also plan on cataloging everything, I’ll have a drawer for power cables and one for RCA cables, then I’ll have one for old chargers and cables that look useful. I’m halfway there already, I’ve already sorted everything by colour, all the black cables are in drawers with all of the other black cables.”

“My new drawer will initially be used for excess cables, until I’ve set up my system and have a place for everything,” he revealed. “At that point, I’ll most likely have another batch of cables in my possession and I’ll probably look into the possibility of renting a bigger place.”

According to sources, Mr Angelo’s girlfriend, Susan, is currently looking for a new apartment after informing the DJ that either the cables go or she goes.

Elon Musk, Head of Everything, claimed that we are likely to see the first colony on the Moon within the next ten years.

“If we don’t have a Moon colony in place by this time in ten years I’ll eat a Tesla Roadster,” he said with confidence earlier. “I’m Elon Musk, I’m who the guy designed the biggest battery the world has ever seen, from scratch, within one hundred days so I’m pretty sure housing a couple of thousand people on the Moon within ten years won’t be much of a problem.”

“Once we get people up there we plan on making life as normal for them as possible, as quickly as we can,” continued Musk. “We’ve picked the year 2035 as a target to have people living up there, exactly as they do down here. Realistically, we’ll probably have it done before then, but we don’t want to seem too optimistic.”

According to Elon, things that will make people feel more at home on the Moon include; incompetent governing, feeling under appreciated in their jobs, getting shit on by the powers that be on a daily basis and easily available drugs.

“We’re not trying to create a Utopian getaway,” confirmed Musk. “We’re trying to create a home away from home and to do so we need it to be equally as seedy and shitty as Earth. We know that this will be hard to take so we’ve decided soften the blow for our moon residents by completely legalising drugs and making them even easier to get up there, than they are down here.”