Joe Riorden, a self proclaimed ‘sensible soul’ entered the Portaloo during Creamfields 2019 for “a sniff… and a bit of a think”, however proceeded to enter what he says was “the mother of all K Holes”

“Honestly, I just melted down through the toilet seat and my consciousness sat stewing like a giant vat of liquid poo at the bottom of an endless plastic well.”

“At once stage, I started to come around – or so I thought. I looked out the portaloo window and could see all of these white hospital tents in a town centre. Everybody was walking around with surgical masks on their face, and staying literally meters apart from each other.”

“They were pulling people in to get vaccinated, and there were queues out the door. Weird! And I’m thinking, whoaaaa… this is one fucked up trip.”

“Next thing I know, this couple dashes past the mesh portaloo window with two shopping trollies full of bog roll, fucking piles of Kittensoft, like it was the last bit of shite-rag on earth. Random as hell.”

“I thought… this k-hole is getting worse. Better do another line to straighten myself out.”

“Only ran out of gear a little while ago to be honest”

“Was I in there long?”

The extremely large and frustrated queue waited for 6 hours, stretched back over 5 miles long, and was even photographed by two Astronauts from the International Space Station, who happened to be staying in the Premier Inn Chelmsford that night.

“It’s discrimination is what it is” said Kerri Richardson, who was rejected thanks to her Silicone lip-fillers.

“If I could inject compost into my face, I would. But until then, we work with what we’ve got.”

One woman slashed open her bosom with a Michael Kors switchblade and remove her implants in the queue, in absolute desperation to see her hero, Joel Corry.

“If I start chopping bits of plastic out of me, there will be none of me left” one onlooker was heard to remark.

The event organisers have also faced a backlash from local environmental groups, who claim the event should have gone ahead as planned, due to the knock-on effects the queue had on the environment.

“The heavy concentration of cheap designer fragrances produced extreme air pollution that caused respiratory distress to much of the local wildlife” said Ed Hacher, a local treehugger.

“16 Chihuahuas and a Miniature Puggle are currently in hospital fighting for their life.”

“I always knew I had a talent for this” said Kety James, a 19-year-old OnlyFans trainee from Miami.

“Anytime the music takes me, I just have this deep inbuilt desire to completely stop dancing and rummage around my handbag for my phone, so I can stand there lifelessly filming the top-right-hand corner of the stage, a bit of the guy-in-front’s head, and some of the sky.”

“These special moments need to be documented”

“I mean, sure, there is the on-site camera crew. And the artist’s videographer. And the big online platform streaming it with multiple camera angles and drones and then editing it perfectly with crystal-clear sound. And ten thousand people around me all filming it on their phones before posting online…”

“But I have a vision for how it should look. Actually, I have two visions. Double vision.”

“We’re absolutely delighted for her” said Kety’s mum.

“She is always filming those videos in the clubs and at the raves. They’re always brilliant, to be honest. As a family, we always look forward to Kety dragging herself in the front door on her hands and knees around 3pm on Sunday, eyes hanging out of her head from all that concentrating on camera angles and artistic direction, so we can stick her footage from the night before on the telly.”

“We make some popcorn, pour some fizzy pop, and we all climb under the blanket on the sofa together, as a family, and watch hours and hours and hours of Kety’s video masterpieces from the night before.”

“Honestly, they’re better than Netflix”

Either that, or they’ve developed the ability to mindread stage production staff and know their every move before they make it, scientists have concluded. 

These superhuman abilities allow DJs to carry out impressive feats that other mere mortals could only dream of. 

Perfectly mixing forty-five minutes of non-stop music to a continuous fireworks display, is one particularly impressive act of musical clairvoyance that has impressed many in the music industry, with some left scratching their heads how it could be possible. 

Doing the exact same forty-five minute set matched out beat-for-beat to a slickly-produced set of visuals, created weeks earlier, and mapped across 65 giant LED screens, is just as impressive, and borderline ‘messiah-like’ claimed one baffled fan found crying in the car park. 

Throw in the fact they do this synced second-for-second to the flame and Co2 cannons, and it’s clear to see that DJs are evolving alien-like skills that most humans are not. 

Keeping a straight face when asking for fifty thousand for a forty-five-minute set, is another skill most humans on the planet don’t possess.

Being able to look your peers in the eye as you wrap up your “musical journey” forty-five mins after arriving into the booth, is another skill baffling scientists around the globe. 

In an attempt to study some of these abnormalities, Scientists have been taking DNA swaps from members of the DJ Mag Top 100, to look for DNA patterns or deviations from the norm.

So far, they have been unable to find any signs of life.

The festival has made a healthy donation to our ‘music journalists in need‘ fund in exchange for this ‘news’ so it’s not a complete waste of our time. 

Just yours. 

The line-up is a unique, carefully curated blend of every artist the festival has already booked and could do an easy deal with, without having to think of new acts to book. 

If you take their last line-up, and the line-up the year before that. Add them together, give them a shake, then take half the names away… now you have this year’s line-up!

Maybe throw in DJ EZ for good measure. The kids love him, right?

The boutique festival experience combines a unique blend of flags stuck in the ground on poles, and a big red tent with some gates outside to get sick on.

For the foodies in the audience, a posh lady, down on her luck, will be serving up an artisan experience of scalding coffee-like water and some giant-sausage-roll thing with eyes that seems to follow you around the room, all served out of the back of a converted horse box called ‘The Krusty Kitchen”

Her kids will stare weirdly at you throughout the transaction, and the thousands of horses who literally shat in the kitchen currently cooking your food will look down on you from heaven, wondering what the fuck are you thinking.

It will cost you £24 and you will immediately throw it in the bin 5 yards from the till, before deciding to find some Ket to drown out the painful nonsense you have paid £200 to attend. 

In other non-news, 96 other identical festivals have today announced the exact same line-up as this one, but they had no budget for us… so we don’t technically consider them news. 

“Having my own little fenced off area to dance in, without being barged or having idiots spill their drinks all over me is such a great idea” she told her 243 Facebook friends.

“Finally, no more crowds of loud, obnoxious, happy people having any type of fun anywhere near me. No more strangers having a laugh with each other meaning I can’t hear myself think. No more meeting new people – my girls are all I need. Simply amazing, count me in.”

One brave person did politely question her logic in the comments section, suggesting it could be “a little restrictive” being asked to stay in one place all day, and that festivals are all about the unity of the crowd and energy on the dancefloor, to which Karen swiftly put an end to that type of positivity.

“I didn’t ask for your opinion, Robert” she replied, before deleting him from her friends.

Festival-goers, undoubtedly some of the most alert people on the planet for the duration of the event, have been given the full confidence of the government due to their extreme alertness; and so festival licences will now be allocated as per usual.

“We understand that fighting the virus is all about staying alert at this stage,” a government official said. “It’s not really about staying home and containing the virus, even though thousands of people every week are still dying. The Prime Minister is under considerable pressure to open up the economy, so we’re going to chance this ‘stay alert’ thing and see how many people die. If the death rate gets too high we’ll simply distance ourselves from the stay alert thing, excuse the pun!” chuckled the insider. 

“We’re confident staying alert will work. We’re not sure why we even bothered with social distancing or respirators, or any of that kerfuffle. Enjoy your drinks, sniff your sniff, just stay alert and if you see the virus, give it the finger from me!”

Speaking on behalf of elrow, a man dressed as a large bottle of beer confirmed the recognition of the cathedral means the festival now qualifies for a city charter.

“It’s a great day for elrow and the people of elrow Town,” Barry the beer bottle told us. “We’ve actually had the cathedral onsite for quite some time now but because it wasn’t connected to any particular religion it wasn’t recognised. So, we decided to start our own row-ligion, Row-stafarianism, and now we’re a city.”

“We’ll still be called elrow Town, to avoid any unneeded confusion,” claimed the man dressed as a beer bottle, while pretending to smoke a giant inflatable spliff. “We want to keep everything just the way it is, but with all of the added bonuses that come with city status. More inflatables for everyone!”

When asked about the impact becoming a city might have on the festival, Barry (not his real name) proceeded to do a front tumble, throw a pocketful of confetti in our reporter’s face and smack him over the head with an inflatable giraffe, before running away in convulsions of laughter.

According to sources within Tripadvisor, just days after receiving its charter, elrow Town has already been included in their “Top 5 Cities To Visit” guide, and is expected to top the list after the upcoming festival.

“People just seem to love elrow Town,” claimed one Tripadvisor insider. “We can safely say it’s the only place on Earth where we’ve seen someone giving the local jail a five-star rating. In fact, the only negative comments we’ve had about the whole of elrow Town is that the sound system in the ambulance service is too damn loud. I don’t know what’s going on in this city, but I sure as hell want to go.”

If you want the chance to convert to Row-stafarianism or you’d just like to see what life in the world’s newest city is like, you can check out this year’s last installment of erlow Town in Havenpark, Amsterdam, on Saturday 7 September, tickets are available here now.

Sources within the festival circuit have revealed that a “powerful global conglomerate” have been controlling festival lineups for the last two decades.

“Have you ever wondered why all festivals seem to have practically the exact same lineups?” an anonymous industry insider asked earlier today. “It’s no coincidence, the reason they all seem so similar is because they’re all booked by the same person. It’s been happening for years.”

“When you buy a ticket to a festival, you’re really just paying a massive corporation to control what you’re listening to,” continued the source, who was starting to sound like a conspiracy theorist. “Not only are they controlling the music you listen to, they’re also controlling what you eat and drink, how you spend your money and even how much sleep you get.”

“They’re not festivals at all, they’re basically just mind control camps and you’re paying for the privilege to attend them,” he continued with a manic look in his eye. “So, next time you go to a festival and come home thinking the world is round, ask yourself these simple questions; who really shot JFK? Who blew up the twin towers? Are chemtrails controlling your thoughts? Is Donald Trump a lizard? And why is Richie Hawtin headlining every festival in the world?”

At this point, on the grounds of our source being a complete fucking lunatic, Wunderground decided to end the interview, and instead chose to talk to some random lady we met on the street.

“Yeah, I have been thinking that all festivals lineups are a bit same-same,” she told us. “I suppose it’s just popular acts that sell tickets, it isn’t half boring though, I like small boutique festivals, I  wouldn’t even go to one of those big ones if the tickets were free.”

Wunderground later proved the lady wrong by offering her free tickets to a big festival, which she happily accepted.

The research, which saw several key events personnel have their social lives monitored closely by university graduates, affirms the stance that friendship only exists if one party has a target in mind.

Analysing data from social networks and the user’s phones, researchers were able to find a strong correlation between the time of the year and the number of people actively posing as friends. More often than not, the new ’friends’ were highly likely to be interested in attending a festival, concert or event and saw their connection to the event management as an opportunity to earn a place on the coveted guest list.

Jake Holmes, a Festival Organiser, said, ”the notifications usually start around March. At first, it’s one or two a day, with people asking how you are or how’s work, but before you know it you’re getting dozens of texts, calls and chats every day. Come June, everyone wants to know how things are going.”

“By July, almost all of the messages have changed from friendly chats and well-wishing to requests for guestlist spots, free tickets and +1s. Come September, there’s not a single message, not even from my Mum.”

Event Managers have responded to the study with concern, with many choosing to look at out-of-season events, particularly centered around Halloween, Easter and New Year’s Eve, in order to maintain a consistently large circle of friends.