“You can’t just go around assuming the gender of a track,” explained Rowlands earlier today. “Every time I hear Hey Boy Hey Girl on the radio or in a club it makes me cringe and I get really embarrassed. It makes me feel like a bit of an old fossil if I’m being honest with you.”

“It’s just not right to have songs like that in this day and age. It’s 2025, we can’t be running around acting like it’s still 2016, for fuck’s sake,” continued Rowlands. “I think the new version is way better anyway, it goes ‘hey they, hey they, superstar DJ, if you fully consent and I haven’t offended you in any way… here we go!” which in my opinion rolls off the tongue far easier.”

“We’re also re-shooting the video, which I’m really excited about,” confirmed Rowlands. “All of the skeletons in the new shoot will be gender-fluid, I’m not exactly sure what that means but I’m really happy about it, men and women’s skeletons all look identical to me anyway, so I suppose there is no gender in the skeletal world,” he added with complete disregard for human anatomy.

Rowlands also revealed that he is changing the act’s name from The Chemical Brothers to ‘The Chemical Family Members Choosing To Identify As Male’ as it is ‘the best way to avoid getting cancelled with this Gen-Z lot while on tour.

You can stream The Chemical Family Members Choosing To Identify As Male’s latest single Hey They on whatever murderous, scene-destroying platform you prefer. Probably Spotify?

“I fucking love it!” said KINK.

“You can literally do anything with this thing. They’re brilliant!”

“You know me, I’m always playing around with new toys and seeing how creative I can be. I started running out of new hardware options sometime last year. I had just played with it all! It started to get boring for me.”

“One Saturday afternoon I was chasing that Dopamine around my local shopping center. Seeing what could I find that I hadn’t already used to make music with.”

“I made a drum loop on some car bonnets in the car park. I recorded some claps with some old guy’s fake teeth. I even bought a high hat. I was walking around with it on, smashing into low-hanging lights and exit signs… it wasn’t enjoyable.”

“But something changed. I turned a corner past some shops, and it instantly filled my nostrils. That smell I know so well. Hardware!”

“I followed the scent like a bloodhound on the chase, and around 30 seconds later I hit the mother-load! The biggest shop you’ve ever seen, at least it felt that way to me as I stared in its window, drooling like a small child outside a candy shop.”

“It was white goods as far as the eye could see! Fridges, dishwashers, blenders… Heaven!”

“I spent 3 days in that shop. I hid in a chest freezer at closing time, and again at opening time, breathing through a snorkel I fashioned out of some old amplifier tubes I carry with me everywhere I go.”

“During the day, I was playing fairly crowd-friendly stuff, as the shop was full of customers. I knocked out a bit of vocal house of a Dyson Hoover rigged up to a toaster, then moved on to some floaty vibes recorded on a foot spa, and then when I had them eating out of the palm of my hand, I dropped a remix or Orbital’s ‘Belfast’ played live on a George Forman grill, with the help of a deep fat fryer… for those bottom notes, of course.”

“At night, I would crawl out of the chest freezer and go absolutely mental! I can’t honestly tell you what would happen, it’s like I blanked out and went to a higher place! Just so much new hardware for me to fuck around with, I think I kind of lost myself in that place, you know?”

“When I finally came around and gained consciousness, I was in the back of a taxi with the driver shouting at me to wake up. In the seat beside me, seatbelt on, ready for action… was the Airfryer. Everybody was telling me about these things, the stuff they can do. I didn’t really believe it. But fuck me, they’re good. They’re really good.”

“And so here we are weeks later, and it’s my favourite piece of kit. I’m going to sell all my studio gear I think. The air fryer is just so versatile, there really isn’t anything it can’t do.”

Sources close to the shopping center inform us that Kink was found fast asleep inside a chest freezer, spooning an Air Fryer, while snoring the exact rhythm to Carl Craig’s anthem ‘Strings Of Life’. He was carried into a taxi, and while he is welcome to keep the Air Fryer, he is no longer welcome in the shopping center.

“The amazing trio are BACK!” claimed DJ mag, in their monthly finance meeting with shareholders.

“There is nothing we love more than hearing Swedish House Mafia are about to tour. It’s one of those things that really lights the entire industry up. Some people take from the industry, and some people give to the industry. Swedish House Mafia are givers. They give, and they give, and they give, and they give”

“If only other acts had budgets like that!”

When news dropped of the trios 2023 festival dates, “BIG!” said Billboard… when asked about the budget they were given to pretend anybody wants to read more Swedish House Mafia news. 

“The best thing to happen to our bank balance since the Arts Council’ read the headline over on RA, despite the fact they didn’t even cover the trio.

Up until now, anybody that wanted to communicate with the Aussie DJ had to do so through a team of skilled code-crackers. 

“Most days, we would record the sounds coming from his general direction and just print out the waveforms, trying to analyze them for patterns or anything that sounded earth-like that we might recognize” Said Alanna Turing, who worked on decrypting Fisher on a daily basis. 

“This usually ended with Fisher crashing the office, getting us all pissed on shots before he set fire to the papers and stuck his head backwards out the window to laugh at the neighbours.” 

“We’re absolutely delighted with this news” said Supernanny, who has been Fisher’s manager for the last 10 years.

“I mean, he seems like a lovely fella. But I haven’t got a fucking clue what he’s saying.”

“It’s like having a drunk pet in your house that just crows all day.”

“We were considering having a new voice box put in him. Get spare parts off some well-to-do posh kid that got hit by a car. Get him speaking the Queens English so we can actually communicate with him… but nooo.”

“The government stepped in. They reckon he is a national treasure. They’re saving him for if the aliens ever invade. They wanna send him out first…”

“They think he might speak their language.”

Either that, or they’ve developed the ability to mindread stage production staff and know their every move before they make it, scientists have concluded. 

These superhuman abilities allow DJs to carry out impressive feats that other mere mortals could only dream of. 

Perfectly mixing forty-five minutes of non-stop music to a continuous fireworks display, is one particularly impressive act of musical clairvoyance that has impressed many in the music industry, with some left scratching their heads how it could be possible. 

Doing the exact same forty-five minute set matched out beat-for-beat to a slickly-produced set of visuals, created weeks earlier, and mapped across 65 giant LED screens, is just as impressive, and borderline ‘messiah-like’ claimed one baffled fan found crying in the car park. 

Throw in the fact they do this synced second-for-second to the flame and Co2 cannons, and it’s clear to see that DJs are evolving alien-like skills that most humans are not. 

Keeping a straight face when asking for fifty thousand for a forty-five-minute set, is another skill most humans on the planet don’t possess.

Being able to look your peers in the eye as you wrap up your “musical journey” forty-five mins after arriving into the booth, is another skill baffling scientists around the globe. 

In an attempt to study some of these abnormalities, Scientists have been taking DNA swaps from members of the DJ Mag Top 100, to look for DNA patterns or deviations from the norm.

So far, they have been unable to find any signs of life.

“It’s saved me over three thousand euro’” said a pretty chuffed Watkins. 

“I was pretending to fill my tax returns last week in front of my parents, and I thought ‘what the heck’ sure I might actually do the maths for a laugh!” 

“The final figures blew me away! I was wondering how I was able to afford to be gambling so much on the football every weekend. I never win anything gambling, but I had way more money to throw away than usual, so it just didn’t add up.”

“I had never really thought about it before. It’s all about the music, you know? Not about the maths, so… they never really came up.” 

“Then I worked it out. I’m a warm-up DJ so obviously, I don’t get paid in actual cash, but I do get great exposure out of it. So when I see the promoters cashing up at the end of the night, and trying their hardest to cram the last of the fifty euro notes into their bag with a big grin on their face, I try to think of all that exposure I got and then I pull a big stupid grin too, to see if it helps.”

“It never really does.”

“So you have ‘lots of exposure’ in the income tab, along with a tenner some lad gave me because he thought I was the cloakroom.”

“The outgoings look a lot healthier! Obviously, I buy all my own drinks because I’ve not really ‘made it’ yet. Then you have taxis, buses, drinks for girls that pretend they like me… it all adds up.”

“All in all, I’ve saved a fortune. Well, I spent it in the bookies, but I saved it before I lost it.”

“Just think how much worse my finances would be if I hadn’t saved all that cash. It’s bloody brilliant isn’t it?”

Mark has confirmed he will continue turning down bookings once nightlife returns to normal, and expects this strategy to make him a millionaire within a few short years. 

“We always knew the virus didn’t transfer directly from bats to humans, and part of our research mission to Wuhan last month was to try and understand what the intermediary host was. Once we know that, we can try and stop it happening again.” 

“We carried out a month of research, testing, and lab work, followed by extensive DNA tracking – and it was Marshmello. 100%. No doubt in my mind.”

“We didn’t actually find any evidence, but we can put two and two together – we’re scientists. Here you have a man with a history of spreading harmful and infectious diseases rapidly around the world – his last album stands testament to that.”

“And think about it, he’s been wearing a hazmat suit and a mask since 2013… and he fucks bats.”

“We’re convinced it’s him. Locals in the area report seeing a tall white guy in a pair of Nikes wandering the area sometime around Christmas 2019.”

“He fits the description – we’re bringing him in.”

“Well… we’re scientists. We can’t actually ‘bring him in’… but I always wanted to say that.”

The group, without touring visas or EU citizenship, had been hidden in the lorry overnight in freezing sub-zero degree temperatures, surviving on just 2 bottles of Grey Goose with only Fanta for a mixer.

“It was hell” said one of the DJs we spoke to. “I never expected it to be as bad as it was. I even brought a USB and some headphones in case there were some decks or a little party broke out, but it was just me and thirty-one other tattooed lads from Essex and Newcastle shouting ‘IBEEEEEFAAAA!’ in the back of a truck.”

“Ibiza? We never even made it out of fucking Dover.” 

“Imagine this for a second… you’re in freezing-cold shitheap travelling across France. You’re packed into it like cattle. Actually no, like dirt. Subhuman dirt. You can’t move for rowdy wannabe DJs falling over you, getting sick on you and screaming to be let out.” 

“That was the Ryanair flight I got over last year.”

“Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have that again! Instead, I’m stuck here in a fucking ferry terminal in Dover waiting for a Police escort home.

“Hopefully Butlins puts on a few gigs over the winter, they’re usually a good laugh.”

“Do you need a visa for Butlins?”

“As everybody knows, I love a challenge” said EZ. 

“I was recently invited to a Christmas party for the local special needs school and the DJ was banging out that new Tiesto track ‘The Business’ over and over again – the kids just loved it. They were screaming for more. ‘Tiesto! Tiesto! Tiesto!’ That’s all I heard all night long.”

“There were posters of him up everywhere! One arty kid had even made a statue of him made out of play-dough and it was pretty good actually, I even introduced myself at first.”

“Obviously, it’s awful music. Tiesto would tell you that himself if he ever heard it.”

“He needs to tell his manager, to tell his label, to tell his ghostwriter to stop using Fiverr to buy his tracks.”

“On the way home, I just knew. I had to do something to honour those kids. A challenge like no other, and all for a good cause.”

“And so on March 16th at 6 pm I’ll begin listening to Tiesto’s new stuff, either for 24 hours or until I collapse and my ears bleed out, whichever comes first.”

“Not actual Tiesto though, nothing pre-2010. No Gouryella, no System F, nothing that’s actually good or that he might have made himself. Just the tough stuff!”

The Italian Music On head-honcho has become ‘too expensive to maintain‘ claim sources inside the club. 

‘He’s a great DJ, don’t get me wrong’ claimed our source, a booker inside the club who wishes to remain anonymous.

‘He has given the island many great years of music. But he’s getting old now, and he has a lot of DJ hours on the clock.’

‘He is costing us around €250K a week to operate during the summer months, and the only people drinking in the whole club are the wannabe models and the hangers-on in the DJ booth, and that’s on our tab. So we’re losing a fortune on him.’

‘If we break him down for parts and sell him on the open market, that’s a much more realistic proposal.”

‘You’ve loads of aging bald male acts in the scene who are falling to bits and need parts. Sven Vath, he’s fucked. Bodzin spends his days banging his head off that mixer, he’s surely due a few replacements soon. And Moby is a bloody vegan, he’ll be peeling off the bone any day now.’

‘They all have money, and they all dress is plain black tee’s and silly trousers the same as Marco, so we don’t even undress him… 

‘Just pull him apart, let the parts detox and then stick them on eBay.’

‘That one move alone brings the whole company back into profit. It just makes sense.”