Witnesses said the crowd began forming shortly after 2am, when battery levels across the club dipped below 10% and people suddenly remembered they had urgent responsibilities, including filming the back of the DJs head, ordering an Uber to the next photo opportunity, and posting an Instagram story proving how definitely-not-boring they were.

Security say at least 140 “industry folk” aka freeloaders were seen hovering around the booth, staring not at the DJ, but at the row of plug sockets behind the decks like crackheads peeping through a dealers window.

“I thought they were actually connecting with the music,” said the DJ. “And thinking how great I was!”

“Then one girl tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I had a phone charger. She said she would give me head backstage in return.”

“My heart broke. If I’m going to needlessly take advantage of somebody in the crowd, I want it to be about the music!”

The club has since introduced a designated charging area near the toilets where attendees can sit in silence, watch their phones together, and reflect on the fact that one day, we’ll all be dead. 

“I’ve been out all week saving the planet” said Pete Green. “I need a day off.”

“It’s hard work dragging crates of Tomato Soup around every art gallery in town, but somebody’s got to save the world.”

“I’m becoming a kind-of eco Superman, one soiled painting at a time.”

When asked about his eco crusade, Pete says “It all started pretty organically. Literally. When I heard David Attenborough describe on the BBC what’s happening to the Polar Bears, I threw some organic Tomatoes at the television.”

“I immediately knew I was onto something.”

“When I heard global warning has passed the 1 degree mark and climate scientists said we had passed the point of no return, I went down to the local primary school and ripped up all the kids easter projects. It was just pure instinct man!”

“And then I was torn… how am I going to save this planet for future generations? Do I throw food at stuff or do I smash up art?

“As the words came out of the mouth, the clouds parted and a giant finger-looking cloud pointed at me, the earth rumbled under my feet, and a voice from the heavens boomed “ITS YOU!”

“It was written in the clouds. I was my destiny to do both. Since then, I’ve stuck cheese strings up sculptures bums, used ancient pottery to cook beans in the microwave and didn’t clean up afterwards… and one time I met an actual artist on Bumble and stuffed Fish Fingers up their bum when they weren’t expecting it.”

“Global warming? Not on my watch buddy!”

“Anyway. Even Superman had a day off. Homes Under The Hammer…  here I come!”

Joe Riorden, a self proclaimed ‘sensible soul’ entered the Portaloo during Creamfields 2019 for “a sniff… and a bit of a think”, however proceeded to enter what he says was “the mother of all K Holes”

“Honestly, I just melted down through the toilet seat and my consciousness sat stewing like a giant vat of liquid poo at the bottom of an endless plastic well.”

“At once stage, I started to come around – or so I thought. I looked out the portaloo window and could see all of these white hospital tents in a town centre. Everybody was walking around with surgical masks on their face, and staying literally meters apart from each other.”

“They were pulling people in to get vaccinated, and there were queues out the door. Weird! And I’m thinking, whoaaaa… this is one fucked up trip.”

“Next thing I know, this couple dashes past the mesh portaloo window with two shopping trollies full of bog roll, fucking piles of Kittensoft, like it was the last bit of shite-rag on earth. Random as hell.”

“I thought… this k-hole is getting worse. Better do another line to straighten myself out.”

“Only ran out of gear a little while ago to be honest”

“Was I in there long?”

Twenty-four-year-old Tommy Smith from Essex is said to have been purposely speaking loud enough so that the people around him would know he had drugs on him, however hadn’t taken into account that somebody at the party might actually be rude enough to want to share with him if he offers.

“Sharing is not caring. Declining somebody’s offer is caring” said a frustrated Tommy to a Wunderground reporter.

“Obviously I wanted people to think that I’m a bit of a boy, you know? Said I’d been out on it all day and had a bit of gear on me. I saw this decent looking bird so offered her a line assuming she’d say no, being as I’m a stranger – but the cunt said yes.

“Before I knew it she was rifling through my Gucci man bag, found my coke, emptied the contents of it onto the side, racked up a line and sniffed it. She checked herself in the mirror, said thanks and walked off. Can you actually believe that?”

Despite Tommy’s misfortune of having to share some of his £50 point-four with a stranger, he did end up having a good time at the party after receiving compliments about his £825 Balenciaga trainers.

“Yeah, some girl said my shoes looked expensive which absolutely made my night” he said, gleefully.

Wunderground has since confirmed mystery girl number two was using flattery as a way to also get a line of his coke.

Gym-obsessed Ryan Green, who loves nothing more than bulking in winter, cutting in summer, and telling anybody who will listen about his training regime, has been criticised by nineteen-year-old Mollie Chambers, who made the unfortunate error of trying to speak to him in a local nightclub.

“I have never met such a boring nob-head in my life” confirmed Mollie.

“Great to look at, lovely face, banging arms and shoulders, but nothing up top whatsoever. I made the mistake of saying hello as for the next two hours he told me why he doesn’t drink, dance or have any type of fun.

“He showed me his abs, told me about his diet, went into detail about his gym routine, the benefits of creatine and how I could improve my own image if I took more notice of my macros.

“I was basically asleep with my eyes open by the time he’d finished. He even tried to charge me £40 telling me it was a PT session. I was like fuck off mate.”

Despite the harsh comments made against Ryan which he seemed to not fully understand, the Love Island-Bodybuilder hybrid had this to say to Wunderground.

“I know what’s important in life.”

“And that’s having a nice body, posting photos of my nice body on social media, and spending my days being told how nice my body is.”

“And to be fair… it is bloody, isn’t it?”

26-year-old Josh Smith, who proudly smuggled the world’s tiniest bag of illegal substances past venue security on Saturday night is said to be “distraught” that he not only missed an entire set from his favourite DJ, but also failed to have any fun whatsoever, whilst he remained focussed on the task in hand.

“He was fuckin’ dedicated, I’ll give him that” said an onlooker.

“Everybody knows those bags are ridiculous and far too small to open. Fingers don’t work and keys end up ripping the thing completely open which is even worse. 

“Even in the daylight when you are of sound mind, you can’t get into them, so why did that lad expect to manoeuvre his key in such a way that he got it into the bag whilst clearly off his nut in a dark room?

“It was like watching a child with a Rubik’s Cube. He was there from midnight until 5am, focussed, determined, keen, but ultimately failing and going home with a very sad look on his face.”

It wasn’t all bad news for Josh though, as the DJ whose set he missed, today sent him a congratulatory certificate for dedication to the scene, a note confirming that it is ravers like Josh who make the world go round, and guestlist to his next set.

The only stipulation being that he puts his naughty bits into a bigger bag and pops into the DJ booth to ‘say hello’ next time.

Government MP, Rishi Sunak, confirmed: “every industry has its key workers, and balloon sellers are no different within the entertainment sector.”

“Nobody works harder for their customers” continued Sunak. “Like ghosts, they literally appear from out of nowhere with what looks like the heaviest rucksack known to man that nobody can understand how it got past event security.”

“Then in the middle of a packed dancefloor they blow up about a thousand balloons without fuss, selling them at the bargain price of £5 each or one and a double for a tenner, offering ravers that expensive, short term, unnecessary buzz you didn’t realise you definitely don’t need, but still continue to do it anyway, because it’s fun.”

“Modern-day heroes who we look forward to getting back to work in 2021.”

Wunderground spoke to Tyrone James, CEO of Buzzin Balearic Beats Balloons & Bitches (5B) about the announcement.

“I’m delighted” he told us. “I was out with the Canada Water crew today – you know the boys who stop you every 2 yards outside of Printworks? Well there’s over 600 who work that stretch, and they’ve all got families to feed so this government initiative is very welcome from all of us at 5B. We are actually working on virtual balloons at the moment. Watch this space.”

Known as a “bit of a thick cunt” to his mates, 56-year-old Jeff Oakes is believed to have hammered over 15 pills, 3 grams of coke and 10 pints of Stella, leading to him trying to offer a sip of his water to a like-minded raver during a virtual festival being shown via Facebook Live, only for it to go all over the screen and keyboard.

“I can’t work out what happened” Jeff told us. “I guess it all started when I took a pill in August 1988, and now I’m a dinosaur with a broken MacBook, what the fuck’s gone on here?”

Despite jaded memories, a comedown from hell and over £1,000 worth of damages, Jeff still found time to have a laugh about it – “what can I say? I was massive on the scene in the 90s hanging out at the Hacienda and Shelleys, everyone knew me. I even did a warm-up set for Brandon Block in 1997 and went on a six-day bender involving brasses, leprechauns, penguins and the Italian mafia – this water fiasco is nothing to worry about. Ask my Mrs, she will tell you how much of a laugh I am”.

Wunderground managed to grab a quick comment from Jeff’s ex-wife, Karen – “I left him in 2006 because of his stupidity, I guess he hasn’t noticed I’ve gone.”

In a callous attempt to make his employees and wider network of followers feel guilty for not being as ‘successful’ as he was, Gary Whitting-Jones had scheduled a typically self-righteous post to be uploaded to the social platform at 9am on Monday morning, which read:

“These past few weeks, hundreds of people have been approaching my inbox to say: ‘Hey Gary, how do you manage to excel in your personal and professional life so effortlessly while the whole world stays on lockdown?’

Each time I simply say: Sleep when you’re dead. Stop working when the world stops spinning. Just because you’re at home, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be dressing to impress, and grafting until the sun sets, while still finding the time to run at least one marathon each month.

Work harder. Work faster. And one day you’ll hit these heights”

Unfortunately for Gary, the pompous photo that he intended to upload alongside the ‘motivational’ status was accidentally replaced by a photo from his ‘Zoom: Home Sessions’ album.

The replacement photo showed a half-naked Gary slumped over his desk, holding a suspicious-looking bag of white powder in one hand, and an empty bottle of cognac in the other.

One member of Gary’s workforce showed no sympathy for the apparent slip-up. “It confirms what we suspected all along”, said Alison, who admits to slowly having her soul destroyed by Gary’s company for the past 20 years. “Most of us speculated that Gary was a hypocritical profiteer who commands those below him to do his dirty work while he snorts and drinks down his seven-figure paycheque. I’m glad we were all finally given an insight into what he really gets up to behind closed doors.”

Barry Nonce, an expert in conjuring huge spaces around himself when walking through crowds of people, claims to have developed “the ultimate guide to getting people to steer clear of you in any public space”.

Nonce treated Wunderground to a free taster session, with a video that began with the title:

1) Talk at obscene volumes in the direction of somebody’s ear.

The video explains that the best way to prepare someone to walk away from you is to speak at a volume that can compete with the loudest nightclub speaker. Even in the current climate, where a two-meter rule is necessary, Nonce insists “shouting as brashly as possible – even with the odd chant of ‘oi, oi’ thrown in – should be enough to prepare someone to keep their distance from you.”

2) Content is as important as delivery.

In this next segment, Nonce says that bringing up a topic that everybody is definitely sick of talking about, such as Brexit or hand sanitiser, is an excellent way to ensure the person on the receiving end of your word vomit doesn’t stick around to listen to you for long.

3) Offend all of the senses

Nonce explains in this section how you shouldn’t only focus on what somebody hears from you: “Try to dance yourself into a sweaty frenzy before approaching a person, so that they can smell you before they hear you – even from two meters away. With enough perseverance and perspiration, you can ensure everybody on your street keeps their distance from you, and that they’ll be put off from approaching anybody else for fear that the smell is actually them.”

The full 10-lesson programme will be available to download in a matter of weeks. Despite early scepticism towards the idea, members of the public who gained exclusive early access to a trial have praised it for being clearer and more straightforward than any of the advice that has left Boris Johnson’s mouth in recent months.