The album is a 14-track collaboration with a 5G tower named Eddy that he “met on the roof of a New World Order meeting” in Brooklyn back in December. 

“I fuck with 5G” Kelly told Rolling Stone. “Especially Eddy.”

“We’re very similar in ways. He’s big, he’s bad, he’s a bit of a hated figure. But actually, we both offer society as a whole nothing but un-rivalled positives.”

“Eddy offers the ability for the best surgeons in the world to remotely carry out life-saving operations. I sang ‘I believe I can fly.” 

“He make driverless cars a possibility, cutting road fatalities around the globe forever while at the same time ending the need for women drivers, and I punched a midget on YouTube.”

“Eddy infected millions of people around the globe with a life-threatening illness – I’ve been trying that shit for years.”

Eddy was unavailable for interview, but is believed to be happy with the album overall, despite the fact the world will end before release date. 

‘Let’s Get Evil’ Drops May 5th. You’ll be dead by then, so pre-order is advised. 

David, best known for a string of seedy affairs with women, often sleeping with them just two days after meeting them, claimed that he has never felt as embarrassed as he did during the gig.

“You know when someone leaves you hanging for a high five?” the singer asked during a chat with Wunderground. “Well, imagine getting left hanging by ten thousand people at the same time, with all of them looking at you like you’re some kind of weirdo. That hurts man, I felt like such a nincompoop.”

“I don’t know where I lost the crowd,” David said reflectively. “I’ve been playing it out over and over again in my mind but it just doesn’t make sense, they should have said ‘Bo Selcta’. Why didn’t they say ‘Bo Selecta’? I need to just walk away and go shag something before I lose my mind, I’ll be back on Sunday.”

According to witnesses, the organisers of the World War II Commemoration Concert made a “real mistake” when booking David to perform.

Annie Gardener, who was there to represent her late great grandfather, claimed she was the only person in the crowd who actually knew who the singer was.

“I’m a huge Craig David fan, I’ve seen him loads of times but, I’m sorry, that whole gig was just horrible,” she told us. “Don’t get me wrong, he was brilliant but nobody knew who he was, these things normally have old dolls singing The White Cliffs of Dover or some shit like that, not Craig David belting outRewind or Can You Fill Me In?, it just didn’t seem appropriate for a commemorative concert.”

Speaking from a prison cell, Kelly said that he finally feels at peace and is ready to accept any punishment the courts may hand to him.

“I’ve always aspired to be just like Michael,” Kelly told Wunderground. “He’s a real inspiration, not just in his talent but also with all of the weird freaky shit he got into. I used to sit in my house singing along to his records while my dog licked peanut butter off my johnson and think ‘someday I’m gonna grow up to be just like this mother fucker’ and I did.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not down with all of that shit he got up to,” continued the singer who faces ten counts of felony sexual abuse in Illinois. “He fucked around with boys and you know this homie isn’t into no dick, I’m a pussy man, but apart from that, I tried to be just like him my whole career.”

“The only difference between me and that cracker ass homie is he was at his peak weird years during the early 90s when you could just do whatever the fuck you wanted, and then make it go away by throwing some money at it,” continued Kelly. “My best years were a bit later and I never had the money he did so I had to try use intimidation instead of money. I had a good run but it’s caught up with me now.”

“MJ’s the lucky one, he died before his documentary came out,” claimed Kelly. “I was still alive when mine came out and when they throw that shit at you on the TV, it really sticks. Now I know I’m in trouble, but I’m a big man, I’ll take whatever they throw at me and if I die in prison, I’ll die happy knowing I’ve lived out my dreams.”

If found guilty, R Kelly could face a sentence of up to life in prison, however, a lot of people would prefer to see the star brought to the top of a tall building, where we will find out for once and for all whether he can actually fly or not.

Brown, best known for his involvement in woman beating and rape accusations, was picked up by police officers following accusations of “life-time cuntishness” were made against him early last week.

According to Wunderground sources, Brown, twenty nine, has always been a cunt, despite managing to fool some people into believing he wasn’t for large periods of his life.

Matt Burrows, who grew up close to Brown in Tappahannock, Virginia, claimed that he always suspected Brown was a cunt during their formative years.

“Well, I guess Chris was just one of these people who was born a bit of a cunt,” he told Wunderground. “From a very young age it was clear to me, and a group of other kids our age that he was a cunt, there were certain cuntish things that he would do, like spitting at people, robbing stuff and having a nasty little cunt attitude, that really gave him away.”

“He got pretty good at hiding it when he grew up a bit, but there’s an old saying that goes ‘once a cunt always a cunt’ so I guess it was always going to come out eventually, it’s just a pity that so many people had to be hurt before it did.”

According to Big Jimbo, an inmate in Sussex 1 State Prison, Waverly, Virginia, he and his fellow inmates are looking forward to helping Brown feel at home when he arrives in the prison.

“I’ma be waiting with open arms for that little cunt,” Big Jimbo told Wunderground earlier. “There’s all types of bad mother fuckers up in this joint who can’t wait to see Brown arrive but I’ve got a special space saved for him in my cell. He might but a cunt right now but I’m gonna make him my bitch as soon as he arrives, fresh meat is on the menu and I’m goddamn hungry.”

Brown has yet to respond to the allegations, although it won’t really make any difference if he does or not, because everyone already knows he’s a cunt.