Senior members of the psytrance family have slammed Alan Morris, a.k.a. Psymon Sayz, for accepting payment for a gig and claimed there is “no place for sellouts in the family ”.

“What a big bloody sellout,” Dustin Murphy, a Psytrance Family elder told Wunderground this morning. “Being a psytrance DJ isn’t about making money, it’s about sharing an experience with other like-minded people, and getting absolutely off your banger on cheap Polish amphetamine, not bloody champagne and caviar.”

“We’re a family, and families stick together,” claimed Murphy, who moved out of his family home to live in a squat with some psytrance friends in 2011 and hasn’t visited once since. “If that fella wants to go out and get paid for playing music than I guess he’s just gonna have to find himself a new family. I’ve heard regular trance will take just about anybody in, maybe he can go there.”

“He was never really one of us to begin with,” Murphy said dismissively. “He uses a laptop when he’s DJing, what kind of psytrance DJ can afford a laptop. I’m sorry your majesty, you’ll just have to take your fancy laptop and your wages and fuck off.”

According to Mr Murphy, he “couldn’t give a rats what a load of crusties say” about him and he will continue to accept paid gigs despite what certain facets of the psytrance community think.

“Not all psytrance people want to live in cockroach-infested shitholes and drink reclaimed rainwater,” Murphy explained. “Yes, I’m a psytrance DJ, but that doesn’t mean I have to live like a hobo. I like the finer things in life and if playing music can help me get them, then great. I’m not gonna live my life like by some unofficial set of rules that says I have to live like I’m homeless. Fuck that.”

“I play psytrance because I like it, not because I want to stop washing and live on a commune,” he continued. “These dreadlocks aren’t even real, they clip on and off, there’s no way I’d get real ones, they fucking stink, I only wear these because my booking have gone up by 50% since I got them.”

Jared Wyse, an unprofessional DJ from Stoke-On-Trent, England, claims that he has always wanted to try out life in the jungle and believes he could easily outlast any of the Celebrities who have previously been crowned winners in the past.

“That whole I’m A Celebrity thing looks pretty much like my idea of heaven,” Wyes, a.k.a. DJ Psyd-Wyse, said earlier this week. “I mean, if it were up to me, they’d rename it to something like I’m A Celebrity Leave Me Here Forever or I’m A Celebrity And This Is My Home Now, or whatever. I just don’t get what all of those celebrities find so bad about it.”

“What’s not to like?” he asked inquisitively. “It genuinely seem like the perfect place to live, like a big giant hippie commune only without any hippies, there’s nothing not to like about it. There’s no jobs, no showers, no politics, no wars, no cars, pretty much no nothing except for nature.”

“But, the best thing about the whole thing is definitely the food,” continued Mr Wyse. “It’s so exotic, it’s easily up there with some of the most gourmet shit I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Anus, penis, grubs and maggots. It’s like they’ve been peering directly into my dreams and transferring them straight onto their menu.”

“The only thing I’d actually miss would be psytrance but I’m sure that with the help of some sort of jungle hallucinogens, a few sticks of bamboo and some fermented koala piss, I’d be able to make something that sounded pretty similar.”

“Now all I have to do is become the first ever psytrance DJ famous enough to be on the telly, I’ll have to start off small so I think Crimewatch is probably my best bet for now.”

Rumours suggest that Mr Wyse made it onto Crimewatch shortly after giving this interview, however, unfortunately he was described as a “hobo” rather than a psytrance DJ.

Peter Mings, known locally as Minger, claims he will look into booking tickets for this year’s Fyre Festival as soon as he gets some credit for his phone.

“I watched the documentary and I don’t know what all the fuss was about,” claimed Mings, owner of Prestatyn’s longest dreadlocks. “Those little tents that everyone had, the light coating of mud on the ground and the total lack of facilities, it’s easily the most glamorous festival I’ve ever seen and it looked dead futuristic, I’d love to go this year. Do you know how much tickets are?”

“These celebrities giving out about it are all full of shit as far as I’m concerned,” continued Mings, who claims to be able to sleep while he dances to save time at festivals. “Just because they’re used to living in luxury, sleeping in satin sleeping bags in gold tents and drinking out of actual cups, doesn’t mean the festival was crap, they’re just stuck up. They wouldn’t last two minutes with us normal folk.”

“And how fancy did that food in the polystyrene containers look?” he said inquisitively. “Bread, cheese and salad, at a festival? That’s some Michelin Star shit right there, there are probably enough nutrients in that to last me a month. Normally,at festivals, I eat a mixture of empty baggies, fag butts and mud so I’m not sure if I’d even be able for that sort of luxury.”

“The secret to successfully doing festivals is going into pure survival mode,” explained Minger. “And who are the best survivors in the world? Cockroaches. So I always try to be as cockroach-like as possible when I go to a festival and I’m still alive so I think I’m doing alright.”

After learning that Fyre Festival would not be happening this year, Mr Ming’s decided to buy tickets for Scotland’s T in the Park instead, the closest thing to Fyre Festival Britain has to offer.