Vegan-Friendly Ketamine Now Tested On Humans
A new batch of vegan-friendly ketamine is believed to be ready for worldwide consumption after being extensively tested on humans in Ibiza. The ketamine, which...
Science
Man On Comedown Set To Abandon Sixth Attempted Wank Any Minute Now
A man who has spent the morning rolling around his bed on the comedown is set to abandon his sixth attempted wank any minute now....
Thousand Of Brits Develop Chronic Pain Over Night As Medicinal Cannabis Legalised
The number of chronic pain sufferers in the UK has reportedly increased tenfold overnight after the announcement that laws surrounding the medicinal use of cannabis...
Doctors Now Treating Constipation With Cocaine
An English physician has reportedly started to treat people suffering from severe constipation with cocaine. Doctor Barry White, not to be confused with the late...
Rolex To Wind Up Watch Operation And Focus On Pill Production
Swiss luxury watchmakers Rolex have announced they will be wrapping up their watch manufacturing operation to concentrate on pill production at the beginning of 2021....
Party Officially Confirmed Shit After Someone Puts iPhone Into Pint Glass
An afterparty was officially declared shit after someone put an iPhone in a pint glass in an effort to increase the volume of the phone’s...
British Government Pass Bill To Use Love Island As Nuclear Bomb Test Area
The British Government has passed a surprise bill that will allow the military the right to use Love Island as a nuclear bomb test area....
“Jungle No Longer Massive” Claims Environmentalist
In a worrying turn of events, a leading environmentalist has claimed that the “jungle is no longer massive”. Speaking at a recent summit about the...
The World’s Last Male Hipster Is On 24 Hour Death Watch
The world’s hipster population is teetering on the brink of extinction after the last ever male was placed on twenty-four-hour death watch. Hipster numbers have...
Man Who Says Berghain Over 9000 Times Each Day Finally Explodes
A man who has said the word Berghain at least 9,000 times per day, for the last five years, has reportedly exploded. Michael James, a...
Scientists Have Grown The First Ever Booking Agent’s Heart In Petri Dish
British scientists have reportedly grown the world’s first ever booking agent’s heart in a petri dish at a top secret location in the English countryside....
Children Who Listen To Tech House 10 Times More Likely To Be Wankers
A new study has revealed that children who are exposed to high levels of tech-house at a young age are ten times more likely to...
Drugs To Be Available On The Moon By 2050 Claims Space X Executive
A leading executive in SpaceX has claimed that the aerospace company plan to make drugs easily available on the Moon by the year 2050. Paige...
Warning: Tropical House Causes Cancer
Doctors have issued a stark warning to all tropical house fans and insisted that anyone who continues to listen to the genre is significantly increasing...
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