With top UK Government officials Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock seemingly at a loss as to how to keep the UK in lockdown following growing reports that more and more people are not staying home, one local house music event promoter believes “the solution could not be simpler”.
34-year-old Steve, from London, has reached out to 10 Downing Street with clear and concise instructions: “a saxophonist should be put in any area you don’t want the public going.”
“It’s fuckin’ simple if you ask me, mate” outgoing Steve told us. “You ever been at a rave, a festival or beach club when they bring out a sax player to join the DJ? It clears the place out in seconds. It’s like dropping an atomic shit bomb in the place – I saw 175 people chuck themselves in the Thames last year after they were made to listen to a saxophone performance on a boat party.”
“I’m no scientist, but I reckon if you got all the Ibiza, US and UK sax players to perform in every public park, high street and supermarket, you’d see a fuckin’ huge rise in people staying at home, as nobody wants to risk the ear damage.”
As good a suggestion as this might be, Steve acknowledges the flaw in the plan is the limited number of sax players available, but this hasn’t stopped his problem-solving. “You don’t need to limit it to sax players, mate, get those cunts who play the bongo involved too – they make a right racket. They’ve ruined every DJ set and live show I’ve ever seen.”
Too old to go to raves, too young to retire from them. Where does that leave me? Writing for Wunderground.