A young DJ has become the latest in a string of up and comers to be placed in a treatment program for an addiction to “gear porn”.
Twenty seven year old computer technician and DJ, Daniel Lehane, claimed that he’d “always been a fan of computers and technical equipment” but that in the last few months his fondness for all things electrical has taken on a “sexual bent”.
Mr. Lehane was admitted to the Priory Institute for an 8 week course of treatment to evaluate the extent of his addiction and sexual dysfunction, after which trained staff will determine whether or not “he still poses a danger to inanimate electrical objects”.
“It’s a bit embarrassing to talk about,” admitted Mr. Lehane, who has been denied access to any electrical equipment for the duration of his hospital stay. “I’ve always been a bit of a techy guy, but over the last year, I’m ashamed to admit, it’s turned sexual.”
Mr. Lehane claims that it was around a year ago when he stumbled onto the illicit online community of gear porn and discovered a wealth of titillating material as well as a committed circle of peers to welcome him into the perverted community.
“That’s when I discovered gearslutz.com,” he continued. “It was like this big door had been opened and when I walked through it I was guided to who I really was by a supportive group of people, who also like to aggressively pleasure themselves when thinking about Korg controllers or Moog synths. It was the happiest I’d ever been.”
“Before gearslutz if anyone knew what I was up to they’d think I was a freak and call me names like MacCock Pro, iPork and motherboard fucker,” admitted Mr. Lehane. “Fortunately though no-one ever suspected that I might be in love with something as seemingly non-sexual as a high resolution HD ready 42″ curved monitor.”
“My parents were horrified when they found out, I was caught once before with my sister’s hairdryer but managed to cleverly disguise what I was doing by saying I urinated on myself and was drying my pants which also happened to have a tent,” explained Mr. Lehane. “But when they walked in on me straddling a Bose speaker naked, they knew something was up. I just got so caught up in the speakers absolutely flawless sound distribution at lower frequencies as well as its reasonable cost and super sleek design. I’m getting hard just talking about it.”
The therapist in charge of Daniel’s care, Dr. Jacob Wilson, is an expert in sexual deviancy and claims that “gear heads” or “tech sex” is a recent enough phenomenon that is symptomatic of “the post industrial era” and occurs mostly among men who spend the majority of their time surrounded by technical equipment.
“We’ve seen similar occurrences with cars in the past,” explained the doctor, “but over the last few years its increasingly affected up and coming DJs. One theory as to why its happening is that the piece of equipment, rather than just being a useful tool on which to play and make music, becomes symbolic of the lifestyle and sexual promiscuity of a successful DJ/producer that the “gear slut” desires for himself. The “gear slut’s” view of the equipment then transforms from looking at it as a somewhat aspirational goal to an object of sexual desire.”
“The way these products are photographed and fetished by collectors and DJs themselves also heightens the fascination,” he continued. “It’s capitalism at its most virulent, advertising has reached a pinnacle where even a picture of the product can elicit a sexual response.”
Dr. Wilson outlined some of the behaviour patterns that Mr. Lehane, and other “gear sluts”, have been known to engage in. “When you or I look at a glossy photo of a synth or a midi controller we just see a piece of equipment, but the gear porn aficionado when looking at the very same picture will become visibly engorged and may even attempt to take the picture and retire to a private restroom where he’ll sniff the picture while groaningly masturbating.”
“They’ve been known to drool, pant and become tetchy around too much desirable equipment,” continued the doctor. “One Danish gentleman was actually marrid to a CDJ and US circus act Steve Aoki also was arrested for a suspected gear porn attack on stage.”
Dr. Wilson concluded by assuring Wunderground that Mr. Lehane was receiving the help he needed through a strict diet of human sexual intercourse and advised anyone who might be affected by gear porn to seek help immediately.
