A man who spent his entire life praising the “analogue warmth” of vinyl has died cold, wrong and surrounded by records.
The 54-year-old audiophile was reportedly stranded in freezing conditions following a plane crash in the Alps, with nothing but 400 rare pressings, a portable turntable andan unshakable belief that “nothing beats that analogue warmth.”
“At first he seemed confident,” said one rescue worker who had sent up a drone to inspect the crash. “He kept saying the records had warmth, texture and real presence. Unfortunately, those things do f**k-all when your plane is buried under miles of snow.”
The rescue team say the man refused several chances to burn the records for actual heat, insisting they were “already warm enough” and that fire would destroy the natural character of the low-end.
“He kept holding a Dutch pressing of Age Of Love to his chest and saying ‘you can really hear the room’” said one survivor.
“But all I could hear was seat 4D screaming that their leg was missing, that they were freezing, and that they didn’t want to die.”
“To pass the time he started arranging the records in order of which ones he felt had the most warmth, but it was minus 12, and the pilot had just frozen to death.”
Experts believe the incident is the first recorded case of analogue warmth failing a real-world thermal test.
A team from Discogs has been dispatched to recover the records.
And maybe the body, if they have the space.
