Hipster Plans To Be First DJ To Play Set On Two Gramophones

In keeping with the hipster ethos of thinking “that which is old is better and that which is new, but appears old is even better than that,” a self-described “hipster DJ”, who plays under the most mysterious of monikers, the letter X, is set to be the first DJ to play a set on two gramophones. However, these are no ordinary gramophones, but rather a digital set produced by Technics to mark the fiftieth anniversary of fifty years ago.

The hipster in question had originally intended to play his set on acoustic decks but when this was deemed to be “plainly and obviously” impossible, he settled on the gramophone idea.

Renowned for their itchy scratchy sound and their ability to make even modern music sound like it was produced in the 1920’s, ‘X’ said, “It’ll be like Instagram, but for records. When you hear the set, if I’ve done my job properly, you’ll think there has been no progress at all in technology in the last fifty years.”

We caught up with X, which we later found out was the first initial of his name, Xavier, while he was going through his usual preparation for gigs, a process which involves “waxing his moustache to Vaudevillian perfection” and shrink wrapping his legs in the “skinniest of skinny jeans” using a combination of ropes and pulleys.

While applying the finishing touches to his couiffed bonce he told us in no uncertain terms that he thought “vintage” was the new “retro”. “Retro’s a thing of the past,” he said. “Vintage is the future.”  When questioned on what this vague collection of buzzwords meant, he said, “Pffft” and cynically lifted one side of his lip in a teenage sneer, quite unbecoming a thirty three year old man.

When it was suggested to X that retro had seen its day panic spread across his face as fear gripped him for a moment at the thought of him not being on the cutting edge of culture. Unable to sneer in a derisive way lest he disturb his still solidifying moustache he began a frenzy of selfies which he then posted to Twitter in such a hasty manner that he didn’t realise one of them had been posted without an Instagram filter, a faux-pas that he attempted to rectify by claiming that it was a “NoSepiaSelfie” for the purposes of “consumption research”.

The historic gig is set to be held in the “Queen’s Gash”, one of London’s most popular destinations for hipsters. The club is infamous for its door policy, whereby all clubbers are subject to a series of questions before entry, a quiz which was designed to determine how ‘hipster’ one really is.

In an activity reminiscent on an inverted game of Family Fortunes, the most popular answers will deny the potential entrant entrance to the club. However, if the potential entrant can prove beyond reasonable doubt that the answer was meant in an ironic way, VIP access is granted.

When questioned about his proposed set list for the event X gave this reporter a look that bundled pity and derision into one neat little package. “Set-list?” he said. “The gig is two weeks away. How do I know what will be on the cutting edge of culture two weeks from now? I don’t have next week’s copy of NME yet,” he scoffed, whilst throwing his head back in a gesture that suggested utter disbelief.

The planned set, which will entirely feature music pre-approved by NME, Hypem and Pitchfork, is due to be performed by X next Friday evening in the Queen’s Gash.