News emerged today that Facebook, having recently bought VR headset company Oculus, is set to buy the soul of every man, woman and child alive today, in the latest purchase for the acquisitive capitalist behemoth.
“Well we’ve bought Whatsapp, Instagram and now Oculus, so buying the eternal souls of the entire human race seemed like the next logical step for us,” explained Facebook spokesperson Deborah Judd. “We don’t own people’s bodies outright, but with the amount of time our over one billion users spend online each day it pretty much amounts to us owning them anyway although by owning their souls we can offer a better service of enslavement to our users.”
“The mind-body dichotomy is something that Facebook feels it needs to incorporate into its online platforms,” she added.
“The deal isn’t one that Facebook needs to perform to remain competitive on this ethereal plain,” continued Deborah, “but it was felt that it would be a deal that eventually would have to be made after rumours emerged that Google were close to conducting a similar deal with Lucifer.”
Facebook say that they now own your soul “in this life and the next” and insist that it is now they who will now decide whether you go to heaven – which they bought last year and turned into the world’s largest software campus just outside Pasadena.
The mega deal, which Facebook conducted with Jehovah after a lengthy negotiation conducted over the course of seven days – with one of those being a day of rest, is set to come into effect some time later this year.
It is not yet known what Facebook will do with the souls of humanity, but some commentators believe they will probably “perform a series of overhauls on each soul, adding clunky unwanted features and like buttons” that they contend will improve the “having a soul experience”.
