Sir David Attenborough Lashes Out At The Lack Of Any Good Quality Ket Going Around

Renowned British naturalist and broadcaster Sir David Attenborough has today lashed out angrily at the “lack of any good quality ket going round”.

The 88 year old broadcasting legend, who has enraptured audiences for decades with his trustworthy voice and boyish enthusiasm for the natural world, made the statement to a group of friends at a London house party after he had bought some ketamine that he disappointedly described as “creatine cut shite” which he said you had to “nearly do a whole gram of the stuff in one line to get anything from”.

The current ketamine drought, a result of several ketamine factories in India being closed down by authorities in a government crack down at the end of last year, has severely affected the quality of ketamine available to purchase across the U.K. and Ireland.

At the after party, a drunk and topless Attenborough was heard to tell friends that the current drought was “a load of bollocks” that was making it hard to “get sorted out” because the stuff going around “wasn’t even ketamine but that methoxetamine” – which he claimed is “sort of like rhino k but without the heart tremors and proper k-holes”.

Attenborough told friends he did know a bloke with good ket but that “he’s fucked off to Ibiza for the summer” and that he and best mate Ray Mears “polished off the last of his batch at a warehouse party in Shoreditch last week anyway”.

“That was proper stuff,” laughed the aging broadcasting legend. “Mears was off his fucking nut, trying to eat bugs and rolling around in the dirt lighting fires. Fucking nutter.”

Sir David, who lists ketamine among his favourite things in the world along with koala bears, blue whales, Guy Gerber and speaking sagely to a camera about “nature stuff”, was eager to point out that the stuff going around his area “has been crap for the last while” and that hopefully “someone gets some good shit in soon”.

“That methoxetamine isn’t as good as proper ket,” continued Sir David sagely. “I’ve been keenly aware of ketamine users in their natural environment for years and there’s a marked difference in response when they consume that stuff compared to the more naturally occurring ket.”

Friends were appalled when famed animal lover and conservationist Sir David suggested they leave the party to rob ketamine from a local veterinarian clinic insisting that the sick horses would then have nothing to anesthetize them.

“Fuck the horses,” bellowed an increasingly drunk Sir David, “hooved, grass eating cunts. When have you ever seen me do a doc on The Life of Horses? Fucking never, cause they’re basically just cars with legs -now let’s go get that ket.”

It’s not known whether Sir David was successful in his mission to locate good quality ket but he was last seen in the shrubbery outside the veterinarian clinic throwing stones at horses and laughing to himself.