In a daring early morning raid police have arrested America for its part in the murder of dance music.
Police from several European cities including Ibiza, Berlin and London, were alerted to the crime after foul play was suspected when the body of dance music was found trampled and broken on the floor of Stereosonic in Australia following a mass brawl.
“Dance music was unrecognisable when it was found, a shadow of its former self,” claimed one witness. “All that was left was the utterly diseased body of EDM.”
It is believed America may have tried to bribe the combined international forces with more money that would have kept the bloated corpse of EDM alive for another year but that offer was rejected out of hand with police saying “let EDM die the death it so sorely needs”.
America, a 240 year old overweight male with aggression issues, is described by neighbour Canada as “being an acquisitive bully who picks on those smaller than him” and who is of mixed race but who has “two racial aspects of his personality warring against each other which will probably be fatal at some point”.
In a statement released to the public the combined international forces claimed that they believed that America has been slowly poisoning the victim since around 2010, “when dubstep got big there and commercial European DJs and promotional companies saw a market to exploit”.
“This is the second time that dance music has been murdered in recent memory,” claimed police. “It also died sometime around the turn of the century when the unsustainable cult of the superstar DJ wounded it fatally.”
“Paul Oakenfold was a suspect then and we believe he may be involved again,” continued police. “Although he isn’t wanted for the actual murder we think he was just an unwitting patsy in the events that led to America killing dance music.”
“The method of poisoning has been well thought out and complex,” continued the statement, “with the killer using a variety of tactics to first mutilate and then kill the beloved genre.”
“The autopsy indicates that the suspect murdered dance music by massively commercialising it with dumb festivals and soft drink sponsors, pumping it full of money, slowly draining its creativity, and injecting it with a host of overhyped bloodsucking parasites like Steve Aoki, Paris Hilton and Pauly D.”
“This caused the more aesthetically reprehensible but money hungry elements of commercial dance music to become popularised and for the true creative organs like the underground and the club scene to become massively undernourished – ultimately leading to death.”
“With its delicately balanced cultural ecosystem so put off balance by the massive amounts of tripe flooding it, the poor genre never stood a chance.”
“What’s especially sad is that DNA evidence proves that America actually gave birth to dance music, and for several years was a loving father before it got into grunge and dance music found a new home in Europe and around the world,” continued the report. “It’s been living the quite happily and quietly ever since but in the last few years America has come back into its life and, maybe unwillingly, has caused it to die prematurely.
America, and most specifically the companies, people and “artists” who butchered dance music for financial gain, are expected to stand trial for the murder in international court sometime next year.
“I knew the EDM infection would kill dance music,” commented one observer, “but dance music has died before and thankfully has always come back stronger so there’s still hope.”
It’s also believed that dance music may have been sexually assaulted throughout the course of the slow poisoning with friend of the victim, Indie, saying America was consistently making passes at both him and dance music for years and he suspected that since around 2011 that America “had definitely been raping dance music”.
More on this harrowing case as we have it…
