A quarry in the U.K. became the centre of the dance music world today when workers uncovered a lump of misshapen granite in the shape of former trance legend and now EDM-flogger, Tiesto.
“I bit down into the earth with the digger and from the cab window I could see a lump of tough polished stone being reflected in the morning sunlight,” explained quarryman John Chapman, “its tough angular shape reminded me instantly of Tiesto’s implacable face.”
“I jumped out of the cab fully expecting to have crushed Tiesto’s ample skull under a digger,” continued John. “I didn’t really give much thought to how or why I expected Tiesto to have been there in a Welsh quarry, but the lump of misshapen granite resembled his head so strongly that logic went out the window.”
Adam claims that it was only when he remembered that the Super Bowl was on in America that he knew it was impossible for the lump of valuable rock to have been Tiesto as it was more likely that he was “schmoozing rich Americans by pretending to like their version of football which you play with your hands or playing a set at some exclusive after party where everyone is drinking champagne and no-one is dancing”.
“I bent down to look at it, rubbed some of the loose gravel off it and sure enough it did look like Tiesto,” explained an awed John, “it was immovable and hard with a face that was all precise planes – just like Tiesto.”
“Although, to be honest, the lump of rock was arguably more lifelike than Tiesto, it was also strangely more friendly and looked less like an intergalactic lizard king.”
This isn’t the first time an inanimate object has been mistaken for Tiesto’s face, in 2009 a piece of dog faeces in the shape of Tiesto’s awkwardly smiling face was found in a London zoo.
“There was also that time in 2012 when an American fighter pilot mistook the front of a passenger jet for Tiesto’s face,” concluded John. “I think the pilot had been a big trance fan and was angry with Tiesto for selling out…he fired a rocket straight into the front of the plane, killing 267 people. When he was finally talked down from the air and arrested he was remorseless and claimed that anything that even resembled Tiesto’s face, like the front of a plane or piece of rock, deserved to be pulverised.”
