A suspicious envelope sent to The White House, believed to have contained a harmful biological agent like anthrax, was intercepted by the Secret Service today and discovered to contain popular EDM party drug Molly – causing Mr. Obama’s teenage daughters Sasha and Malia to be grounded for life.
It was determined that the envelope addressed to the White House contained the club drug after preliminary screening diverted it to an off-site testing center, according to a statement from the Secret Service.
The brownish-white powder – initially believed to be cyanide after a bout of recent scares – tested negative for biological agents and was then sent to another lab for additional chemical analysis.
“It was a real head-scratcher,” said one official, speaking to Wunderground on the condition of anonymity, “As a matter of fact we didn’t figure it out until one of our younger employees took a look at the crystalline substance and instinctively exclaimed, ‘Hey! That looks like moon rock!’ Then he got all weird, you know, like he had just said something he shouldn’t have, and walked away in a hurry.”
“Needless to say none of us had any idea what he was talking about. It looked like pretty ordinary terrestrial powder, and there was no entry for ‘moon rock’ in our chemical database, so imagine our surprise when we ran a Google search!”
A special Mecke reagent kit was reportedly procured from the now-fired employee’s mini-refrigerator and the results stunned the seasoned chemical analysts.
“The reagent smoked and immediately turned a deep purple to black color upon contact with the substance,” said our source, “Apparently this indicates very high quality MDMA. None of that bath salt stuff I keep reading about in the newspapers.”
The Secret Service did not say who exactly the letter was addressed to, though it is being reported that President Barack Obama’s teenage daughters Sasha and Malia have been “sent to bed without dinner” by an extremely angry First Lady.
According to anonymous White House staffers, Mrs. Obama could be heard yelling at her husband, “All of this time and energy I’ve spent encouraging America’s children to make wise lifestyle choices, and my girls have to go and get all wild like that in our White House? I knew you never should have let them download that DJ Mustard EP, no matter how ‘amazing’ Beyoncé said it was.”
In an official press conference the President, seen her holding the baggie of Molly, publicly confirmed that Sasha and Malia were grounded until further notice with sources close to the First Family telling Wunderground that all internet privileges have been revoked for the two daughters.
Meanwhile, the Secret Service is working closely with the the National Security Agency (NSA), scouring dark web drug sites – like the recently shut-down Silk Road – as well as searching for any hidden Facebook groups the girls may belong to and invites to dance parties they may be hiding from their newsfeeds.
