A Leeds based clubber, Tim Milnes, has reportedly lost his toe this weekend after trying to pull off a new shuffling move whilst listening to his favourite “2015 deep house” Youtube mix.
The keen shuffler reportedly bashed his toe several times against the fridge, before realising that his toe had actually fallen clean off and was now being chewed on by his pet fashion accessory cat, Muggles.
“I’ve been shuffling since day one, hell, I shuffled before shuffling was even a thing,” explained Tim. “At first I did it only accidentally because I slipped on some wet cardboard while listening to deep house maestros Disclosure. The move looked so good though that I turned it into a moronic dance.”
“I just love it when there is a ring of people around me in the club looking at me thinking ‘what an utter knob, I hope he falls over and loses an eye,'” he added whilst clambering around trying to shuffle in his wheelchair.
Tim is now worried that his life as a shuffler is basically over and terrified that he might have to avoid listening to any deep house, sell his Beats by Dre, burn all his black t-shirts and cut off his topknot man-bun.
“It all happened when I was attempting an extremely sacred shuffle technique called ‘I’m A Prick,'” explained Tim. “I was in my kitchen practicing, when I felt a tingly feeling in my foot. I thought nothing of it at first, so I carried on shuffling. It was only when I looked down, that I saw my toe was actually separated from my foot. Instead of trying to stop the bleeding, I just thought to myself ‘YOLO’ and carried on shuffling.”
“Now I’m getting all this media attention, I really feel like people should start calling me The Shuffle King,” he claimed. “Although I’m one toe down, I’m going to jump right back to it. I’m going to move my shuffle space to my bathroom though, as there are more things that I can hit with my feet when I’m shuffling.”
“I’ve just bought a new webcam so I can start recording myself listening to rubbish tunes and dancing like an idiot. I hope one day I have millions of people from all around the world watching my videos and thinking to themselves, ‘I wish I was cool like him.'”
“They just need to be careful they don’t leave any sharp surfaces in their shuffling area or to be so willfully self involved in looking cool that they don’t realise that they’ve inadvertently amputated themselves.”
