The dulcet tones of Mercury Prize winning, electronic crooner, James Blake, have topped a poll asking people who their favourite electronic musician is to bang to.
The poll, conducted by sex and music fanzine, Banging Tunes, asked 1000 clubbers to identify what music they like to play as they’re becoming intimate with a sexual partner, resulting in a massive 75% claiming they only “dip the dick to J. Blake, dude is a sexy voiced aphrodisiac”.
“To be honest, I’ve tried out a lot of music to fuck to,” offered 27-year-old Alexi from Manchester. “Me and my ex-boyfriend used to always fuck each other to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon but it kinda becomes a bit too one-note, there’s only so many times you can scream along to Clare Torry singing Great Gig In The Sky while your boyfriend’s tonguing you before it becomes blasé.”
“Now, I like to mix it up with something a bit more rhymthmic, I experimented with minimal techno but it began to feel too robotic, like what making love or having a conversation with Jeff Mills must actually feel like,” she continued. “Everything worked ok, no complaints there, but it didn’t have the combination of rhythm and passion that I wanted in my fuck jams.”
“Eventually I came across James Blake one day while wanking at music videos on Youtube,” continued Alexi. “Now, my pussy gets hard even thinking about his voice, like I might need a towel if we keep talking. I don’t even know what he looks like, but he could play some pan pipes while reading the ingredients off a packet of crisps and it’d make me wanna fuck something.”
Some other respondents also claimed James Blake as their fuck music go-to, with 30-year-old mechanic Bryan claiming he “basically can only listen to James Blake when having sex after mistakenly becoming addicted”.
“I’m actually over reliant on the lush sexiness of James vocals, like those men who’ve watched so much internet porn that they become aroused by being alone with a laptop.”
“I have to play Retrograde before I can even think about cracking out a post-sandwich afternoon work-wank,” explained Bryan. “If I’m about to have sex with a girl and not near a music source then I’ll have to put in headphones and play it off my phone. I try to disguise that I can’t get it up without James by pretending I’m being romantic and offering the girl an earbud, but they know I’m full of shit. Thankfully though, they fuck me anyway.”
Some other pieces of music that placed high on the bang list included Dixon’s Live At Robert Johnson and Trentemoller’s Harbour Boat Trips, both of which “are great if you like to cry afterwards”, according to another respondent, Dave from London. “The trick is to have something emotive and lush, so try to avoid anything too banging or EDM.”
