German Chancellor Angela Merkel is set to make her eagerly anticipated debut in Berlin’s foremost techno club, Berghain, later tonight.
Merkel, a veteran of Berlin’s industrial techno scene, will take to the decks for a an extended four hour set which she has ensured will be “face meltingly banging”.
“Angela is really looking forward to making her debut in Berghain this weekend,” claimed Vice-Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel. “No one else has been able to get a word in edgeways in the Bundestag all week because she keeps standing up and boasting about how she’s the best DJ in parliament.”
“On Tuesday she actually flipped the bird at Horst Seehofer, leader of the Christian Social Union Of Bavaria, and shouted ‘why don’t you fuck of to Tomorrowland you EDM prick?’ it was crazy,” continued Mr. Gabrial, who claims to have bought a brand new pair of leather chaps to wear to the gig. “I haven’t seen her this excited since the Irish signed that bank guarantee in 2008.”
“Originally she was supposed to play in The Panorama Bar,” revealed Mr. Gabriel, leader of the Social Democratic Party of Germany. “But she insisted on playing in the main room. She’s a very persuasive woman. She just won’t techno for an answer,” he added with a chuckle.
According to Berghain insiders, security is being ramped up at the club ahead of the Chancellors visit.
“It’s quite a special occasion for us here at Berghain,” claimed head of security Sven Marquadt. “We get politicians here all the time but usually they’ll be wearing leather gimp masks to disguise their identity, this’ll be the first time we’ve had such a public visit from a head of state.”
“We’ll be putting on an extra twenty security guards and the Chancellor will also have her own private security team with her too,” continued Marquadt. “So if you’re thinking about coming to Berghain tonight make sure to be on your best behaviour in the queue, don’t show any emotion on your face whatsoever, don’t breath and only wear clothes that are as black as a supermassive black hole. Oh and a little bit of cologne goes a long way.”
