Swedish 90s pop supremos Ace of Base have called an end to years’ of hurt and anguish by making the decision to adopt a baby.
Band members Ulf, Jonas, Linn and Jenny had a much publicised desire for a baby in the early 90s, culminating in their seminal 1993 hit single All That She Wants which highlighted the band’s, and in particular Linn’s, want for an offspring and eventual heir to the Ace of Base dynasty.
“The 90s were a really crazy time for us,” explained Jonas, the band’s bearded alpha male. “We were serious swingers, Swedish people are known for being quite promiscuous but we were a league apart. We basically fucked our way around Europe for the entire decade hoping that one of the girls would get pregnant somewhere along the way.”
“But it just never happened,” he ruefully revealed. “Linn was like a possessed woman, she leads a lonely life so she pretty much fucked anything with a pulse hoping that someone somewhere would fire a gooey load of baby juice into her eager loins but it just never quite happened for us. After a while we got sick of the traveling and returned to Sweden to live out the rest of our day’s like the golden haired gods that we are.”
“Myself and Ulf kept trying to get the girls pregnant but I think the expensive coke habits we picked up turned our reproductive organs to mush,” admitted Jonas. “Eventually we got sick of fucking the same girls and gave up hope of a baby. There was some talk of getting IMF treatment but I refused to believe I was firing blanks and wouldn’t sign off on the payments.”
“Now we’re all far too old to have a child safely so we’ve decided to adopt,” he continued. “We should have done it years ago to be honest. We’re planning on going to one of those poor African countries to get a really cute one, we may even get two if the price is right. Some day we hope to have a whole band of adopted babies who we can mold in our own image, passing Ace of Base on from generation to generation and finally giving us the immortality we deserve.”
According to reports in the Swedish media, Ace of Base are planning a nationwide tour in 2016 where they will be supported by the country’s first ever “toddler band”, Ace of Base Jr., who are “just like a mix between Ace of Base and a boy band, only much younger”.
