46-year-old mother of three and vehement anti-drug campaigner Anne Wilson has today begun an initiative to make all ecstasy tablets taste like Brussel’s sprouts in the hope that they stop taking them out of sheer disgust.
“My kids, no matter how much I coral them, never eat Brussel’s sprouts, I’ve spent years pretending to like them in the hopes that they’d eat them for reasons that are not entirely clear even to me.”
“It’s plain for anyone with taste buds to see that Brussel’s sprouts are the most abhorrent things ever devised by nature, and I include spiders, viruses and Nickelback in that.”
Anne was asked by assembled journalists to point out what would happen in instances where people actually like Brussel’s sprouts but nobody actually does like them.
“I suspect the kind of people who like Brussel’s sprouts are lost to humanity anyway, drinking Buckfast in the night in their own soiled and reversed underpants, like solitary demigods too warped for this world.”
“As a matter of fact, they should taste like Brussel’s sprouts, have Chad Kroeger’s cowardly lion face on the imprint and smell like the wet arse of a jockey,” continued Anne. “Do that, and I predict even the most hardened pill heads would stop taking them immediately.”
“They’d probably just switch to coke, being the feckless techno drug-whores that they are but I’m sure we could manufacture some way to make coke unappealing, perhaps by making a super strong batch that gives users mild heart attacks upon handling it.”
