A twenty four year old German student who spends his day playing World of Warcraft, wanking to Anime and leaving abusive comments on YouTube music videos has declared that he is now an online music critic.
Lars Sommers, a.k.a. Darklord1991, made the claim to friends on an online forum last week, declaring himself “Germany’s youngest and best online music critic”.
“I spend a lot of my free time criticising music online,” claimed Lars. “So I guess that makes me an online music critic. I could also say I’m a full time World of Warcraft player or a professional cartoon wanker but neither of those really sound as impressive as an online music critic. I really like the sound of that and all the girls in my circle of cyber friends seem to be impressed.”
“Mostly I just tell bands and producers how unbelievably shit they are,” continued Lars, who lists breakcore, gabber and David Hasslehoff as his favorite types of music. “I’ll find some death metal band who are just starting out, putting their tracks up for the world to see them and I’ll leave a comment like ‘this is the worst pile of shit I’ve ever heard, I hope you all die of aids’, some people might think that’s a little harsh but nobody ever said the music industry was going to be easy.”
“Another favorite of mine is to find really obscure electronic producers who really try to push the boundaries with experimental live productions,” he explained. “These guys always bite when you critique their work, sometimes I’ll even like the music but just tell them ‘it’s the most stupid, childish and depressing piece of piss streaked music anyone has ever made’ just to get on their nerves.”
“I do feel slightly guilty sometimes, especially when I can see that what I’ve said has actually hurt people but that’s the life of an online music critic,” he continued with a glimmer of remorse. “You have to take the good with the bad. For me it’s been all bad so far, even when it’s good, but that’s just part of the job. I’m a professional and I get on with it.”
