A young British woman who got on the flake regularly while pregnant has given birth to a Colombian drug lord, it has been revealed.
New research has shown that women who take cocaine while pregnant are likely to give birth to a drug lord named either Pablo or Jorge.
“In 100% of cases where an expectant mother has taken the drug she has subsequently given birth to a scrupulous drug baron who will terrorize his village and execute enemies,” explained doctors. “All of the babies born to mothers who have taken cocaine while pregnant are born already Colombian with thick black moustaches and a sneering contempt for authority.”
“Often they’ll have medallions, hairy chests and a penchant for keeping big cats as pets in elaborate yet gaudily decorated villas,” he added. “Some of the babies don’t survive infancy due to their being murdered by hit squads looking for revenge after a deal has gone sour.”
Mother of cocaine baron baby Pablo O’ Conner, 24-year-old Brid O’Conner, described how when Pablo was born he already had a full head of black curly hair and was aggressive to doctors trying to bath him.
“When the doctor smacked him on his arse he looked menacingly at him and uttered his first word,” she claimed. “I think he called him a puta and threatened to kill his entire family, it was so cute.”
“He refused the nipple and would only accept Cuban cigars,” she claimed. “On playdates with other children he’d make them fight over money for the amusement of his crooked paramilitary general friends who he was only keeping happy because he was planning on betraying them.”
“Although, he does look adorable with his prison tattoos, waving his handgun around and shouting his own name over the body of a rival,” she added. “Most babies wouldn’t be able to do that until they were at least seven so he’s very developed for his age.”
