A bidding war has erupted between Exxonmobil and other key players in the oil industry after recent carbon dating tests run on Madonna indicate she may be the last untapped source of fossil fuel on planet Earth.
We spoke to Stuart Beresford, head of Exxon’s Environmental Concerns Department as to how the idea to test Madonna came about.
“It was my one night off a year and my demanding eight year old daughter insisted I take her to Madonna’s most recent concert,” explained Stuart. “It was, quite frankly, the worst event I’ve been involved with since the Valdez oil spill in 1989.”
“All I could think to myself was how much Madonna was starting to resemble a Pepperami sheathed in oil slicked old rope, and then it struck me: with a crust that thick and a back catalogue as old as most cretaceous mammals it was almost impossible that there wasn’t a highly profitable few hundred gallons of crude oil just meters below the surface.”
“I got my daughter to cause a distraction by throwing her diamante studded iPad at a special needs child in the front row, slipped onstage and managed to pocket a few of her flaking scales to take to our research labs,” he continued. “The tests indicate an even larger potential well than we had initially hoped for: This is probably the first time since her William Orbit produced album that Madonna is of genuine interest further afield than her own ego!”
This news comes as a potential blow to sustainable energy lobbyists as they fear that attaching a recognisable, albeit heavily recycled, face to non-reusable fuel may help to raise oil’s profile again in the public eye.
However speaking on the recent findings, Greenpeace member and hummus enthusiast Sue Gerhadt, had this to say, “Usually we’re completely against all fossil fuel mining as it’s so destructive to the environment, but after seeing Madonna’s cloying smug appearance at the launch of Jay-Z’s Tidal service we’re actually more than happy to stand idly by and allow her to get fracked.”
It seems this unlikely source of profitable fuel has also inspired other entrepreneurial outfits in the offshore sector with no less than four rival firms applying for grants to install wind farms on the faces of Bono and Bob Geldof.
