Experts are predicting that next year’s Bugged Out Weekender is set to ruin thousands of unrealistic new year’s resolutions.
The festival, which takes place in Butlins, Bognor Regis between 15-17 January 2016, comes at the worst possible time for well wishing ticket holders who will inevitably vow to “get off the booze and smokes”, “go straight” or “clean up their act” at the dawn of a new year.
According to reports, most new year’s resolutions are broken within the first fifteen minutes of the new year, although, there are some which survive into the second or third week of January.
“Normally speaking, people who make lasting new year’s resolutions are, what are technically referred to as, ‘dry shites’ who don’t really sacrifice much by making slight lifestyle changes,” explained scientician Noah Mooredrink. “People who actually enjoy life are far less successful when it comes to new year’s resolutions, with most failing within the first hour.”
“There are however a group of more resolute people whose will power will take them through to the middle or later stages of January,” continued Mr. Mooredrink. “Usually they’re studying for exams, flat broke or saving for something, like Bugged Out Weekender, but sometimes they are actually just strong willed.”
“Unfortunately for thousands of these people Bugged Out Weekender takes place right bang in the middle of January,” claimed the expert. “They’ll have been lucky enough to make it that far without having a drink and they may be fooling themselves by saying the don’t need to indulge to enjoy the music but, the truth is, once they arrive at the festival their new year’s resolution has about as much chance of surviving as a solitary sandwich in DJ Sneak’s lunch box.”
“There are no amount of detox juice diets, wheat grass smoothies or yearly gym memberships that’ll be able to stop you from getting on it in Bognor Regis, many have tried all have failed.”
According to Mr. Mooredrink, anyone who successfully manages to survive the entire festival with their new year’s resolution intact should be awarded a medal and recognised by the Queen in the New Year Honours list.
