No thrills airline Ryanair have announced that they will now be offering free STI tests on the homeward bound journey of return flights to Ibiza.
Tests will be carried out by cabin crew, with the results available two weeks after arrival for a small additional fee.
Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary explained the airlines latest offer, “Well, here at Ryanair, we see a lot of people coming and going from Ibiza throughout the summer, most of them are coming, if you know what I mean,” he said with a wink. “So we thought that offering everyone a free STI test on their way home would be a good idea, for humanity.”
“We’re going to put all of our cabin crew through a rigorous fifteen minute training session where they will learn to take blood samples, which will then be analysed by our ground crew on arrival,” confirmed O’Leary. “The analyses will mostly involve a taste and smell test, which prove to be over twenty percent accurate in about ten percent of tests, those odds don’t sound great but they’re still better than the odds on the scratch cards we sell.”
“Once the results of the tests come back, about twenty minutes after landing, so probably quicker than the passengers’ bags, we’ll stick them in a cupboard for two weeks before sending letters to everyone to let them know they are available for collection,” he continued. “Now, while the actual test and the results are free, there is a nominal fee of just seventy five euros for the envelope they come in, and, unfortunately, we can’t give the results out without the envelope, it would be totally unethical.”
According to Wunderground sources, STI tests are the first of a whole range of medical procedures that will be introduced to Ryanair flights in coming years, with liposuction set to be introduced on return transatlantic flights when they are introduced next year, temporary vasectomies for all men traveling to Cardiff and a total lobotomy for anyone who thinks going to Scotland is a good idea.
