The Universe’s Busiest DJ ™, DJ EZ, has recently announced plans to simultaneously play the opening parties of two black holes on opposing sides of our solar system.
Sources claim that EZ was initially “deeply disappointed” with Ray V Wistle, his agent, for only booking him to play the opening party the of popular black hole NGC 1277, found in a lenticular galaxy in the constellation of Perseus, when “he knew damn well” that OJ 287, an active galactic nucleus located 3.5 billion light years away, was also holding an opening party the exact same night at the very same time.
However, the problem was rectified when, after skim reading multiple Wikipedia pages and watching the trailer to recent emotionally exploitative “crip-flick” The Theory Of Everything, Mr Wistle realised it might, theoretically, be possible for him to simultaneously play both sets.
“It’s a little difficult for me to explain in full without a piece of string and some basic plot narration from Dean Stockwell but in essence when a mass reaches the centre of a black hole they experience an intense time dilation not observed further away from the black hole.”
“But basically whilst EZ is at the centre of one of the two black holes and on time for his set, the crowd (if properly distanced) would still be arriving at the black hole’s rim and therefore it would still not be time for EZ’s set. Couple this with a basic quantum leap and we can definitely have DJ EZ on time, if not early, for both of the black holes opening parties.” explained Mr. Wistle to Wunderground with the air of a set four GCSE maths student explaining quantitative easing.
All this theoretical talk of time & space travel does, however, cast fresh doubt on a recent scandal involving DJ EZ where, alongside fellow DJ Annie Mac, he was accused of playing one of the child orphans in popular 90s CBBC show Tracy Beaker. We spoke to Ms. Munden, head of science (Year 6 & 7) at Cliff Park High School, Gorleston-On-Sea, about whether such an incident could have occurred.
“Oh yes it’s quite possible that EZ, upon arriving in the future at the dual black hole opening gigs scheduled for May 2016, could have been forced through a rift in the fabric of space and time, having been compressed into a singularity by the immense pressure of the black holes and wound up in 2002 aged seven years old,” explained Ms. Munden, with eyes experiencing more dilation than a teenager at their first music festival.
Unfortunately DJ EZ himself was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press as he was mentally and physically preparing himself, at Mount Everest Base Camp, for his 24 hour charity DJ set whilst simultaneously playing the opening of an appendicitis sufferer’s abdomen at Bronglais General Hospital, Aberystwyth.
More updates as we have them.
