A recent study by the National Research Association (NRA) has sensationally discovered that one in three Americans now owns a firearm, whether registered or bought on the black market, in case “EDM comes back”.
Experts in from the NRA site professional placenta impersonator Aviici and monosyllabic, dry quiche enthusiast Calvin Harris as key triggers in the sudden rise of American gun ownership.
Wunderground caught up with Shelton Clips, a leading disarmament campaigner and NRA head spokesperson, for her take on the situation, “Initially we were extremely concerned by the data we collected. Gun ownership in the US is a thorny subject at the best of times and an increase as sharp as this, particularly when most police are popping off at anyone who stands in the shade too long, is always going to be a cause for alarm,” Ms Clips explained.
“However, en-route to a peaceful protest we had organised outside the Jewel Nightclub in Las Vegas, where Steve Aoki was scheduled to perform, we accidentally caught a few minutes of his music after our Spotify shuffle fucked up.”
“By the time we arrived at the venue we’d bought three Tech-9s, a Mac 11 and a couple of plastic Glock 23s in case the venue had metal detectors.” Ms Clips continued whilst filing down the tips of the loose ammunition she had stashed in her Polly Pocket lunchbox.
“I’m all for freedom of expression and simply cannot abide violence but sometimes you just have to break a few sustainably resourced, free-range, small batch eggs if you want to make a gluten free omelette. And you also need a concealable, subcompact machine pistol in case you ever need to ventilate a lank haired, cake tossing EDM fuckwit.”
