The world’s ever growing vegan population have now categorically proved The Simpsons theory that “you don’t win friends with salad”.
A recent poll released by DJ Mag’s sister publication, People Mag, revealed vegans as the people least likely to make friends outside of their own demographic.
“Up until now it has been unclear whether or not salads are actually a hindrance to friend making,” claimed American friend making expert Tom Anderson, from Myspace. “The Simpsons obviously said it and they had that really catchy ‘you don’t win friends with salad’ conga line tune so it was easy for us to just believe it was true but now, after this poll, we can finally say, without any doubt, that you don’t win friends with salad.”
“In fact, it actually looks like salad will lose you friends,” continued Anderson. “Serving any sort of salad, without meat, cheese or egg, is likely to make people lose some respect for you, add that to talking about salads, reminding people you’re a vegan and posting graphic videos of animals being slaughtered on social media and friends will soon stop answering your calls and start avoiding you.”
“You’d be far more likely to win friends with a meat based food, ribs, chicken wings and steak sandwiches are all well known friend winners,” explained Tom, “but, if you really want to start impressing people and upping your friend numbers, you need to bring out the big guns, drugs and alcohol. You definitely do win friends with them.”
We also spoke to celebrity vegan Gwyneth Paltrow about her friend-salad ratio, “I really don’t think it’s true, I’ve had lots of friends who loved listening to me talk about and serve salads, I haven’t seen any of them in a while but I think that’s just down to me being better than them, not because they don’t like me anymore.”
According to the poll, the people most likely to make friends are millionaires, strippers, drug dealers and
barmen.
