A cocky coke fueled man has named an incomprehensible list of random items, including a bicycle, pencil sharpener, cockatoo and washing machine, which he claims to have snorted “back in the day”.
Speaking out of his arsehole, Oliver Andrew, went on to claim that “there’s just no good coke” around these days, despite the majority of what he was saying being a complete fabrication caused by the effects of high grade cocaine.
“Back in my day we used to put all sorts of stuff up our noses,” explained Mr. Andrew to anyone who was stupid enough to listen. “Have you ever seen a snake dislocating their jaw to swallow something whole? Well I used to be able to do that with my nose so snorting things like bicycles, pencil sharpeners, cockatoos or washing machines was absolutely no problem to me.”
“One time, for a laugh, I snorted a fly,” continued the bullshit artist. “It was actually quite a funny experience, the fly wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside me so I had to swallow a number of creatures, each a little bigger than the last, to try and elevate the problem of having living things inside my body. It ended with me snorting a horse. The doctor said I was lucky to survive.”
“But those days are behind me, I don’t really put anything more exotic than the odd finger up there now,” he claimed in a brief moment of believability. “I think the turning point for me was when I snorted the washing machine. I hadn’t realised that it was on a forty degree eco-wash cycle. My head was so badly vibrated that I lost all of my post 1994 memories. Luckily enough I don’t think I did anything good before then so it didn’t really matter.”
According to witnesses, Mr. Andrew finally “shut the fuck up” after everyone he was talking to left the room.
