Drug dealers who use paper bags instead of single-use plastic baggies are to face shorter jail sentences under new judicial guidelines.
Judge Judy Jules, a senior American judge, has claimed that a more lenient approach will be taken to drug dealers who use an environmentally friendly system for drug distribution.
“Single-use plastic is the biggest barrier we face in our battle to save the future of the planet,” the judge said recently. “So we need to look at ways of eliminating it from all aspects of life, not just from what we’re buying from stores or restaurants.”
“It is estimated that over two hundred million plastic drug baggies are circulated in America every single day,” she continued. “And that’s only in the hood, when we take the rich areas into account that number probably doubles, or trebles, so if we truly want to tackle plastic, we need to tackle its use in the drug business too.”
“From this day forward, any drug dealer who is caught with their drugs in paper bags, or some form of biodegradable packaging, will have one-third of their sentence suspended or, if they’re white, we’ll let them off the hook altogether.”
Drug dealer Alfred Smith, a.k.a. Big Alfie, claims that he is one hundred percent behind making the switch from plastic paper, insisting that he will do his port to help save the planet.
“This is fucking awesome,” he said enthusiastically. “I mean, I don’t really give a fuck about the environment, this world ain’t never done nothing for me so I’m not gonna go out of my way to start saving it, but less risk, that’s what I’m talking about.”
“Plus, if I’m selling drugs wrapped in paper, I’ll easily break into that middle-class eco-warrior market which, as everyone knows, is where the money’s at. This time next year I’ll be on the beach!”
In related news, the cost of paper bags in America is set to skyrocket in coming weeks after President Trump announced a brand new paper tax earlier today.
