Government officials called in the FBI yesterday to investigate the recent malware accusations against Warner Brothers Music, which has today lead to six arrests. The arrests include high ranking Warner Brothers executives, including Harry Warner, Albert Warner, Sam Warner and Jack Warner. The accusations claim that Warner Brother have over the last 36 months been infecting computers worldwide with trojans attacks and several strands of malware viruses.
The trojans, carefully hidden inside digital music videos, were then uploaded to popular video sites such as Youtube and Vimeo. Once played, the video stream would infect the users computer with the virus, leaving the users machine under Warner Brothers control. The company was then free to use the information in whatever way it so wished.
It is believed Warner Brothers had many uses for the software. Aside from collecting and selling on users data to advertising agencies and anybody willing to purchase it, they also collected the browsing habits of the web users and passed it on to artists management teams.
“Ain’t no dime in selling music anymore. Everybody cheating us by watching it free online. This was just a way to get some of what we had coming to us.” Harry Warner told police after his arrest. “If we seen a high percentage of users were eating waffles and cheese that week, or maybe there was a higher percentage of porn being watched than normal, then we passed that on to the artists. Next thing you know Lil’Wayne is dressed up like waffles and cheese singing about sucking himself off. It was always about finding what the people was buzzing about and just giving it to them.”
He added “Why in the god damn hell do you think we pushed Adele so much in the US? We got Beyonce, J-Lo and twenty other similar honeys queuing up to drop beats and we releasing a pasty plump rump from the UK! Hell no. Fat people running on treadmills blew up on youtube the months before her album release and we had the inside data to know it before anybody else. Everybody was hooked on them videos. All of a sudden Ten Ton Tessy is running up the stage to get her Grammy and everybody thinks this is a coincidence? Come on son, we run this bitch!”
The hearing is expected for next Thursday but lawyers expect the six to serve only a few months, with the usual Warners Brothers release to happen sometime in the run up to Christmas.
