EDM mega festival, Electric Daisy Carnival, is one of the ‘must attend’ events for teenage EDM lovers all over the globe but reports today have revealed exactly why the EDM pop event is so popular with young people – it’s actually one giant nursery designed to babysit teenagers for three days.
Festival promoters, Insomniac Events, have remained tight lipped regarding the revelations, however a disgruntled former employee spoke to Wunderground exclusively to explain the far reaching conspiracy.
“Sure, they promote it as a dance music event but underneath the EDM facade is the dirty secret that it’s actually just one giant, brightly lit, playpen where overworked parents can ditch their teenagers for a couple of days,” claimed former PR man, Greg Schultz. “That’s why most of the attendees are dressed like Pokemon characters, sucking dummies and clutching candy beads.”
“Parents are made aware of the alternative function of the festival when they read the safety regulations portion of the EDC website,” continued Greg. “Thankfully, no-one under 30 has ever read that part of the website so the organisers have been able to keep their secret until now.”
Greg insisted that the “nu-rave push-poppers,” pictured above looking for Molly, have no idea that the event is anything but a proper event celebrating the best of dance music. “They think this is the pinnacle of the clubbing experience,” he said, “they don’t even suspect that it’s just a bubblegum theme park.”
“The kids usually arrive like it’s their first day of school. They’re slightly overawed, bedecked in candy and clutching teddy bears,” he continued. “But it’s not long before they’ve made friends and are painting their faces and sucking on dummies with contented gusto.”
“With all the bright shining lights and people dressed as their favourite cartoon characters the child doesn’t feel threatened,” claimed Greg. “In fact they feel right at home in their Dora the Explorer themed tents. It’s like a make believe adventure.”
Greg claimed that the festival operated a policy of allowing the children all of the treats that they wanted during the day so that when bed time rolled around they’d be so exhausted that they’d slip right off to sleep. “They’d take MDMA and excitedly shuffle around the site like a pre-schooler having a sugar rush. But then eventually the comfort blanket would come out and they’d start to get cranky. It’s adorable.”
Mr. Schultz concluded by stating that none of the performers were aware that the festival was actually a day care centre, but that the festival itself selected those DJs that are most suitable for babysitting childish teenagers.
“The EDM acts on the bill actually think they’re making viable music but the organisers aren’t looking for proper dance acts,” said Greg. “All they really want is someone with a huge light show to keep the kids enthralled for a few hours who can play high energy candy music that’ll wear them out after a long day.”
This is fucking stupid.
This is fucking awesome.