Sven Väth Hires Diplo And Skrillex For 50th Birthday Party

Sven Väth has shocked his family and friends by revealing that he has hired a number of EDM DJs including Diplo and Skrillex to appear at his fiftieth birthday party.

Reports emerging from the south-west German city, Mannheim, indicate that Vath has lined up Diplo, Skrillex, Deadmau5 and Afrojack to perform a variety of menial tasks at the party, which takes place this Saturday.

When asked if any of the EDM superstars would actually be DJing at the soiree Väth burst into a fit of hysterical laughter which lasted for approximately ten minutes before finally composing himself and answering, “Of course not, do you really think I’d have any of these schmucks play at my party?”

“Those guys are just so desperate to appear on a good line up that they were willing to do just about anything to get their names on there,” revealed the soon to be fifty year old DJ. “They’ll be doing a number shitty jobs that I didn’t want to do myself.”

“Naturally Steve Aoki will be supplying the cake,” continued Väth. “Although I probably won’t let him carry it because my party will be full of normal people who don’t like leaving a party covered in cake or any of the other forms of shit he usually flings at his crowd.”

“I’m also going to get him to do a toned down version of his stage show for the kids,” divulged the German techno legend. “Sure I could have hired a professional clown do do something similar for a lot cheaper, but hey, it’s my fiftieth and I’m willing to treat myself to get to see one of the biggest clowns in the industry actually acting like a clown.”

“I’ve also got the boozy bitch sisters, Krewella, booked to work in the bar for the night,” revealed a well organised Väth. “I want people to really enjoy themselves and judging by the amount of booze those girls put away I’m sure they’ll be the perfect choice to ensure the alcohol is free flowing.”

“We have Deadmau5 on valet parking duties, I just really hope he can be trusted not to doodle or scribble any childish shit on my friends’ cars like he did to his own,” he continued. “The only thing the guy does worse than making music is customising cars but he’s the only EDM DJ who has a full driving license so he’ll have to do.”

“Then we’ve got Afrojack, who literally has no practical skills or uses, so we’ll probably just have him stand outside the “adults only” area to scare the kids away with his big ugly head.”

Rumours emerging from France have revealed that David Guetta is devastated after being overlooked for Väth’s brithday party, with the Parisian based DJ highlighting that he doubles up as a “tool”, a “spare tit” and “shit on a stick” and surely could have been put to some use.