British TV personality, beard-owner and cosmic healer, Noel Edmonds has today lashed out at the burgeoning popularity of psychoactive drug DMT (dimethyltriptamine) – claiming it is “proper mental”.
The 65 year old, who has presented such timelessly naff programming as Telly Addicts, and The Late Late Breakfast Show, reportedly took some of the drug last weekend with close friends and rivals Chris Tarrant and the banker from Deal Or No Deal.
“I’ve taken drugs before, sure, I lived through the 80s,” explained a shaken Edmonds. “If you were on the BBC through the 70s to 90s you were basically guaranteed to be into some dark stuff, be you Jamie Theakston or Rolf Harris…the decadent culture of the Beeb is actually responsible for one of my best ideas.”
“For example the idea for Noel’s House Party stemmed from the popular parties I was hosting at the time which were famous for their drug experimentation, light entertainment and debauchery,” claimed Edmonds.
“We’d have some of the hottest stars from the glamorous world of British telly, like Bruno Brooks and Dale Winton snorting high grade cocaine off the dashboard of Jezza Clarkson’s bright red E-Type Jaguar with Wolf from Gladiators doing press ups on the bonnet while snarling…Mad stuff, but not as mad as DMT.”
Mr. Edmonds, who just last year was rewarded for having the longest beard and hairstyle combo the world has ever known – 40 years, said he inhaled “three big hits of the glass pipe as Tarrant held the lighter and egged [him] on” before the drug sent him “totally sideways” causing him to experience visions of “countless people opening numbered boxes, each of which, [he] knew led to another plane of existence.”
“I’d follow into the boxes but then there was just more numbered boxes, it felt like it was going on forever,” he added.
“All of a sudden I was in another place, a kaleidoscopic place of strange colours and angles that I’d only ever encountered in my conscious life via the elaborately garish shirts I’ve sometimes worn,” explained the TV host. “That was all fine but eventually I started feeling the presence of some other being or spirit in the trip with me. It was scary.”
At this point in the interview Mr. Edmonds began weeping softly and left the room after claiming that during his DMT experience he felt “a sinister, evil presence [he had] not felt in a long time”.
“About half way through the trip, when I first felt the presence, the colours coalesced and began to take on the shape and form of my old friend Mr. Blobby,” continued a weeping Edmonds.
“It was amazing, I was overjoyed to see Mr. Blobby again – but soon I noticed that he was hiding one, slightly deformed hand behind his back and holding a microphone. Then, and I’ll never forget this, Mr. Blobby tore off the mask and there, staring back at me and grinning, was dead TV prankster Jeremy Beadle.”
“I’ve never been more terrified in my life, and I’ve been in a room alone with Jimmy Saville,” he added.
The TV star, who is capable of making the random selection of numbered boxes appear as if it’s a suspense filled slice of tactical genius, has vowed never to take the drug again and had a stark warning for anyone planning on experimenting with the powerful hallucinogenic.
“If you don’t want to see Jeremy Beadle, and his weird hand, then don’t do DMT,” he concluded. “It’s proper, dipped in shit, mental.”
