Voyeuristic online music channel, Boiler Room, is reportedly using a table laden with food in clever a bid to keep ugly people off camera during its live stream DJ sets.
“In the early days of Boiler Room we’d just let anyone cavort self consciously behind the DJ,” claimed a Boiler Room spokesperson, Tristan Bistow, “but as the show took off, it became obvious that the streams that did really well either had attractive, thin white people in the background or people who were hilariously off their tits on street drugs.”
“We couldn’t very well just Gestapo ugly people off camera, this isn’t like the Top Gear audience,” he added. “Nor could we give everyone free drugs, so we had to come up with some other, less intrusive way to keep the less attractive in their pens – and the picnic table filled with food and drink seems to be working well.”
Boiler Room spokespeople claim that almost all of the slightly portly, podgy-faced or weird looking “troll” people will be drawn to the free food and drink.
“When you’re a fat mess of a human with no self control over your eating habits or care for your appearance you’re not going to turn down a free meal,” he explained. “Some of them do sometimes get on camera but thankfully the beautiful people are so aggressively trying to be seen themselves that they usually kick or punch the gargoyles back to the end of the room where they belong.”
Some of the goodies on offer to attendees include jambons, currywursts, Scotch Eggs and Marmite – “the kind of greasy food that only shiftless beauty vacuums would even consider stuffing into their fat face holes”.
They also claim that having a table laden with fatty treats works well in keeping those stick thin hipster types who eat avocados with a spoon and smoke pipes, away from the back of the room and in front of camera where they should be.
“It’s really a great system and relatively painless,” concluded Tristan. “The people off their tits also don’t want to be anywhere near a table full of food they could potentially fall face first in, they’d much rather stand behind the DJ flutter-eyed and sweating.”
