“Best Nap I’ve Had In Years’ Says Conference Panel Attendee

Conference panel attendees live an average of 4.5 years longer than the rest of us, mostly due to all the additional sleep, claims the new International Business Techno Report On Business Trends In The Music Business 2023.

“It’s true” says regular music conference punter Kieran Doyle, from his kitchen-come-bathroom studio apartment in central London.

“Some people go to the likes of ADE and spend the week catching up with pals and getting wrecked.”

“Not me.”

“I arrive with a carefully planned spreadsheet of the week’s panels, hosted by some of the world’s most sleep-provoking tastemakers.”

“9 am Wed morning I’m already queuing outside the first panel location. Pen, notebook, and sleep mask in hand.”

“By 10 am I’m already in REM, fidgeting in my seat, lightly sweating, eyes twitching. The only time I’ll wake is when someone nudges me to ask what pills am I on and do I have a hook-up for some more?”

“You’ll never sleep as deeply as you will 30 minutes into some random bald guy talking to a girl with purple hair about how ‘dance music is struggling with an identity crisis and needs to reinvent itself.’”

“That’s why I love these things. They’re like a €700 sleeping pill that lasts 3 days.”