More news has emerged from Australian EDM tanned gimp fest, Stereosonic, claiming that the festival has drained the entire world’s supply of anabolic steroids and creatine.
Police and observers in the medical community claim that 100% of those in attendance “had been juicing to such an extent that they used up the entire planet’s supply of steroids and could more accurately be described as hulks rather than humans”.
Police are investigating what they suspect to be a massive steroid ring centred around Facebook forums for the two weekend festival – which is set to have another installment in Australian cities this coming weekend.
“We apprehended two men outside the event selling steroids who were basically just muscles clad in pink shorts and aviator shades acting suspiciously and doing aggressive press ups while fully erect,” explained Stereosonic Head of Security Barney Stewart. “If the Incredible Hulk had terrible dress sense, bronze skin and a syringe hanging from his arse this would be him.”
Following viral footage of a brawl at the festival which has been described as a “creatine shuffler apocalypse” it has emerged that everyone who attends the festival is “on some kind of muscle enhancer”.
“With so many mongoloid headed beefcakes suffering from the aggressive side effects of steroid abuse it’s frankly unsurprising that this has happened,” explained Barney who himself is a big dance music fan but prefers “techno, or jungle…you know, proper music made by real artists for appreciative audiences”.
“It’s like putting thousands of mild mannered ecstasy users into one place and expecting them to not connect with each other emotionally and spiritually,” added Barney.
“Basically Stereosonic, EDM and the atmosphere is the exact opposite of what rave culture is about,” he added.
Witnesses and organisers have found that attendees at the festival “don’t really care about the music” and just want to “flex their chests at girls and shuffle”.
“It’s predominantly ugly men with low self esteem beefing themselves up to attract fickle women and listening to poisonous music before either getting into a fight with someone or indulging in some perfunctory sport sex with a forgettable idiot.”
“The music doesn’t come into it but thankfully the vacuous, throwaway culture of EDM helps facilitate the behaviour,” claimed an organiser.
Police have been put on high alert for this upcoming weekend’s Steroid-sonic festivals around Australia by stocking up on high calibre tranquilizer ketamine to “put down the first lumbering dick that throws a punch at anyone, other than Steve Aoki”.
Watch this disgraceful excuse for a festival of music and togetherness here:
