A resourceful London drug dealer has apparently tripled his income after offering customers a free deep house DJ career with every bag of ketamine.
Dealer Barry Nelson claimed that all he had to do was tell “a couple of people” about his once in a lifetime offer before selling out his entire ketamine supply in record time.
“I needed to make a quick few quid so I decided I’d get a couple of ounces of ket in and try to flip it as quickly as possible,” explained Nelson. “I always try to get rid of it before I get a chance to take any of it. The last time I went on a ket binge, I ended up face down in a butterfly chicken burger in my local Nandos. The cheeky cunts kicked me out even though I was temporarily blinded after getting extra hot piri piri sauce in my eye. I walked straight into a tattoo parlour and got a cock tattooed on my knee, and I’m not even a cockney, I moved here from Birmingham when I was thirteen.”
“I took myself to Old Street on the Tube because Shoreditch is definitely the best place in London to sell ket,” revealed the street smart dealer. “The influx of hipsters in the area means there’s a great mix of money and idiots trying to act cool, which makes it the perfect environment to shift a few bags of horse. I always stand on Ravey Street, hipsters go mad for that kind of thing when they’re buying drugs, and before long I had a few of them come up to me looking for deals.”
“I’m not really sure how it happened, I think I just said ‘take enough of that and you’ll turn into a deep house DJ’ to one lad, just as small talk like,” continued Mr Nelson. “But the daft little cunt thought I was being serious and said ‘brilliant, I’ll take two’. Next thing I know I’ve got gangs of the little twerps coming up to me and asking if I was the guy who had the K that turned you into a deep house DJ.”
“I was happy to go along with it, it was like the stuff was growing four legs and galloping away by itself. I couldn’t keep up with the demand so I had to ring my brother and get him to bring the rest of my stash over,” revealed the plush dealer. “By the time I got down to the last of it I was telling them this was the stuff Josh Butler takes and they could have it for just £50 a bag, the stupid goons bought every last gram.”
According to reports, Mr Nelson has reinvested some of the money he made from his ketamine venture into a batch of heroin that is guaranteed to turn anyone who uses it into Pete Doherty.