After shocking the world yesterday by revealing that he has never been in a Sandstorm, nineties dance powerhouse Darude has gone one better, or actually ten better, and given Wunderground exclusive access to the top ten places he’s never been.
1 The 16th Century
I know what you’re thinking; what kind of music producer has never been to the 16th century? It’s ludicrous, just think of all of the massively significant historical events Darude missed out on, Da Vinci started the Mona Lisa, Michelangelo sculpted David, the Protestant reformation, the Spanish conquest of Mexico and the colonisation of the New World.
2 Inside An Egg Shell
This one came as a real surprise to us, we were one hundred percent sure that all Finnish music producers came from Eggs. Isn’t there an ancient saying; what came first the Darude or the egg? But it actually turns out that they’re not, they’re born out of fannies, like the rest of us mortals.
3 The Fiery Depths Of Mordor
There are some producers who you could really depend on while on a noble quest to save the world from evil. Unfortunately, Darude isn’t one of them. Believe it or not, he’s never even been to Middle Earth let alone Mordor. Where did he go on his holidays when he was a kid?
4 ISIS Training Camp
Despite Sandstorm being officially adopted as the Islamic State’s national anthem, Darude has wisely chosen to distance himself from terrorists and all sorts of extremism. This is probably the least surprising place he’s never been. There’s really no reason to go there, unless you’re looking for beard tips.
5 Timbuktu
Most of you are probably sitting at home thinking “that’s not surprising, Timbuktu isn’t a real place, like Neverland or Aberdeen”, we know because that’s exactly what we were thinking, it turns out it is a real place. It’s a city in Mali and, surprise, surprise, Darude has never been there. Is there anywhere he has been?
6 The North Pole
This is just too much. Darude is from Finland and he’s never been to the North Pole. That’s like someone from the kitchen who’s never been to the toilet. It just doesn’t make any sense, we’re struggling to even grasp what’s real and what’s not anymore.
7 Your House
Despite the fact you’ve been listening to Sandstorm at least once a day for the last fifteen years, and the numerous invitations, Darude has failed to drop around for a cup of tea, even once. We heard you even got chocolate biscuits in and everything. How can he live with himself?
8 Space
We’re not talking about intergalactic travel. We’re talking about Space, Ibiza. What electronic music producer worth his weight in salt has never been to Space. Surely it’s his Meccha. We’ve heard he prefers to go BCM Planet Dance in Magaluf. What a sham.
9 The Bottom Of The Ocean
That’s right, Darude’s never been to the bottom of the ocean. What a loser. The guy is in his early forties and he’s never been to the bottom of the ocean. Even my four year old brother has been to the bottom of the ocean, twice. They say never meet your hero but what they should say is never hear the top 10 places your hero has never been.
10 A Goldfish Bowl
Just fuck off Darude. You’ve totally ruined it for us. We thought you were a dance god but you’re clearly just a normal Joe Soap who’s never been anywhere. What’s next? Da Hool’s never been to the Love Parade, we seriously doubt it.
