Following in the footsteps of freakishly young DJs like Martin Garrix and Aiden Jude, a 13 year old DJing prodigy has admitted that the only reason he has become a DJ “to see lady’s boobs and hopefully find out what sex is”.
“It’s actually the reason most DJs start spinning records,” explained newly pubic Kyle Wilson who DJs under the name DJ and has been playing records for the last 6 months, being prompted to become a DJ after reading a Buzzfeed article saying that being a DJ gets you laid. “I don’t exactly know what ‘laid’ means but I’m pretty sure it’s something to do with sex, which I’m pretty sure is some kind of thing you do with your willy and girls.”
Taking time out of his busy schedule of drinking purple fruit juice through a straw and swapping Panini World Cup stickers with his playground pals, London born Kyle claimed that he was sure that becoming a DJ will “help speed up this puberty thing” and make him “the best in his class at kissing girls”.
“I have no interest in music or DJing whatsoever,” he explained, “like a lot of EDM DJs my involvement is purely selfish but except for wanting to make money I want to finger girls’ vajayjays so that I stop having boners 9 times a minute.”
When it was explained to Kyle that the recent dearth of teen and pre-teen DJs could be seen as a sideshow for people to gawp at or that it was wrong to put someone so young in the sexualised adult context of a nightclub he responded saying “that is the exact reason why I’m doing it. There’s not much exposed tit or sexy dancing in the playground”.
“DJs always seem to be surrounded by girls, even the ugly ones,” continued Kyle. “I don’t know if any of the teen DJs like Aiden or Martin have been able to kiss or hold hands with girls on account of being DJs but I like to think they do. Most EDM fans are my age so it’s actually more likely that they’re getting with girls than the older DJs.”
“I just hope that I at least have a girl touch it,” concluded Kyle. “Then all the months of practising and forcing myself to listen to EDM will have been worth it.”
If didn’t become a DJ exclusively so that you have leverage with the chicks then you’re doing it wrong.
“It’s actually the reason most DJs start spinning records” Awesome pun hahahaha!