There aren’t very many opportunities in life to be the ‘cool guy’. Most situations don’t lend themselves well to looking cool. It’s next to impossible to look cool when you’re picking your nose on the toilet or wiping yourself off after a messy masturbation. Although on the imaginary TV show, ‘World’s 100 Coolest Opportunities For Coolness’, it’s safe to say that wanking and picking your nose while shitting don’t even place.
When you’re alone you don’t need to worry about being cool. However this is a freedom that is impossible at that most important of social functions – the party. Nowhere else is it more important to look cool. Did you know for example that 95% of people who look cool at parties are less likely to die from an AIDS related illness? Or that people who look cool at parties are considered “alright in small doses” by minor acquaintances? You don’t want to die of AIDS or be considered boring by people who, if asked, would have trouble recalling your name, do you?
Right so, first impressions first. You’re going to want an outfit that will gain you attention for detached aloofness rather than garish desperation. For this reason I suggest some yellow leather pants, open toed sandals with mismatching Mr. Men novelty socks, a Frankie Says Relax t-shirt and Kanye West modeled Shutter Shades. You’ll probably hear soft gasps and mutters of ‘who…the fuck…is that guy?’, which you can put down to not-so-quiet admiration as everyone at the party thinks you’re a snappy dresser, who isn’t afraid to take risks.
After you’ve made a first impression with your subtle fashion choices you’re going to need to start mingling. Accomplish this by displaying your razor like wit to the other guests. Don’t worry if they’re already deep in conversation, just push your way onto the couch between them until they stop talking and pay attention to you. If they still continue to talk over you simply place one finger over the speaker’s mouth and constantly repeat “shush listen to me now, I’m talking” until they finish their inane chatter.
Now you’ve got their attention it’s time to showcase your right-on coolness. The really cool and hip people are all big fans of obscurity. They only listen to little-known bands and watch non-commercial movies. This is where your encyclopedic knowledge of 1970s Japanese TV show, Monkey Magic, will see you become the epitome of coolness. Don’t worry if no-one present knows the show after you insist on playing clips of the show and singing the theme music it’ll be seared into their minds forever.
The next thing you need to do is show off your skills on the dance floor. Don’t worry if you’re not a confident dancer, if you stick to the ‘Carlton from Fresh Prince’ all will be well, as it is both the coolest dance of all time, and the most versatile. For extra effect you should challenge someone to a dance off. Everybody cool partakes in dance offs. Drunk girls at hen parties, men in football shirts and line dancers being some of the coolest examples.
The last tip to being cool at the party is to make a big deal about leaving. Everyone who ducks out early from the party is considered cool. It shows that you have somewhere else exciting and riveting to be. Some people like to add an air of mystery to where they could possibly be going next. You’ve already assured your place in their minds as a super cool, man about town who could be going to any one of a number of happening nightspots. Unfortunately with this approach they’ll resent you for keeping them guessing so subtly hint that you’re going to see a girl. This will make them extra surprised when you take out your telescope and tell them about the astronomy club meeting. Their jaws might drop at this point, don’t worry about this. They just can’t believe a rebel like you is also wicked smart. Don’t be surprised if you hear uproarious laughter through the door when you get outside – they’re just so happy you’ve entered their lives.
