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50% Of Jockeys Only In It For The Ket

A shocking statistic from the world of professional horse racing today has revealed that fifty percent of jockeys only participate in the sport for easy access to ketamine.

The news has sent ripples throughout the racing community, with stables all across the globe fearing their jockeys may be racing with ulterior motives.

Irish jockey Sam “Umpa Lumpa” Hayes spoke to Wunderground, “I really have no interest in racing at all. I only became a jockey because I was too small to play football and it was only when I discovered ketamine in the stables that I started to take it seriously. Now, I’ve won a few races and I’m actually making some alright money but I’d walk away in heartbeat if they took the ket away.”

“When you get to the competitive end of horse racing life’s not all that fun, especially for the jockeys,” explained Hayes. “I’ve to be up training at the crack of dawn every morning, I’m constantly getting kicked and bitten by horses, then there’s all the falls, I break a bone about once every two months, plus I can’t eat fuck all, I’m four foot eight and I weigh about seven and a half stone, the last thing I need is to be starving myself but I have to do it on a regular basis. Taking a bit of ket in the evenings is the only thing that keeps my spirits up.”

“Every night myself and a few of the other jockeys will meet up in the stables and get a proper wobble on,” continued the jockey. “It’s great, we’ll put a bit of Dusky on, horses love deep house, sniff a few fat slugs and then bring the horses out on a leisure cruise. I’d never advocate drinking, or taking drugs, and driving but riding a horse on ket is fucking brilliant, as long as you give the horse a few lines too, you’ve never wobbled unless you’ve wobbled on a wobbly horse.”

According to the British Horse Racing Authority, giving jockeys random drug tests would prove to be a complete waste of time because “everyone would fail” and it’s “all fixed anyway” so it wouldn’t make any difference.

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