A study carried out by MIT’s Marine Biology department claims to have proved that nine out of ten dolphins prefer listening to techno over EDM, indicating that dolphins are actually smarter than the average EDM fan.
The study was carried out after a number of students noticed some strange behavior amongst a small group of captive dolphins during a routine trip to a dolphin sanctuary.
Student Maria Di Marco explains, “We were at the dolphin sanctuary researching a project on gender roles within the group of captive dolphins whene noticed the dolphins were acting really weird, they were swimming head first into the walls of the tank. It looked like they were really going to hurt themselves.”
“There was a bit of a panic, it’s really not nice to see such a beautiful creature in distress, it was a bit like watching Scarlet Johansson in a K hole” claimed Ms. Di Marco. “In all the commotion someone knocked over the stereo, which was playing some really dreadful Kaskade mash up, and the music stopped, after that the dolphins just started acting normally again. It was as if they hated the music to the point of wanting to hurt themselves.”
“As a result of this we decided to redirect our research and look at how dolphins react to different types of music,” explained the student. “For the most part music didn’t seem to effect them much at all but as soon as we put on electronic music the effects were clearly noticeable. Particularly when we played techno or EDM, they seemed to be either end of the spectrum with the dolphins being happy with techno and distressed with EDM.”
“When we played techno we noticed that about nine out of ten dolphins started to get very playful, they we doing flips and splashing around, almost like they were dancing,” continued Ms. Di Marco. “They were swimming around with big smiles on their face making a sound that wasn’t unlike laughing, just having a great time.”
“But every time we played crappy EDM, like Calvin Harris or Steve Aoki, the majority of the dolphins became extremely distressed and started to cause themselves harm,” claimed Ms. Di Marco. “We were only able to play short bursts of songs in fear of an EDM related dolphin suicide.”
“It’s no secret that dolphins are extremely intelligent creatures, likewise, it’s no secret that EDM fans are incredibly stupid cretins so we decided to see if the dolphins we were working with were actually smarter than the EDM fans in our study group,” she explained. “Unsurprisingly the dolphins came out on top.”
“When you put a dolphin in front of a mirror they are aware that they are looking at their reflection, they usually stop for a moment and move on but if you put an EDM fan in front of a mirror they generally make a duck face and take a selfie,” she continued. “We also found that dolphins like to have sex with each other and do so recreationally while most EDM fans tend to have sex because they’ve taken too much molly or drank too much vodka.”
“These are just two of many examples we found that prove dolphins are smarter than EDM fans,” she concluded.
