Shocking statistics released today indicate that one out of every two electronic cigarette smokers are likely to die of embarrassment brought on by the “acute social awkwardness” of smoking the purportedly healthy cigarettes in public places.
“The anti-cancer benefits of e-cigarettes are simply outweighed by the pro-embarrassment consequences,” claimed Dr. David Mitchell from the Institute of Mildly Embarrassing Social Awkwardness.
E-cigarette smokers are warned to avoid smoking them in public places as it can lead to gentle ribbing and piss-taking, leaving the e-cig smoker vulnerable to playful accusations of “being a health conscious pussy” and “a victim of the nanny state”, while in some cases e-cig smokers have been required to withstand lengthy conversations on how the e-cigarette is “political correctness gone mad”.
“What we’re seeing with e-cigs is that when people use them in public places they are being subjected to feelings of gentle abashment caused by the vague and amused consternation of other members of the public,” explained Dr. Mitchell. “Most people are lacking in the confidence necessary when looking slightly silly for a minute in a public place and so they feel inordinate amounts of feeble self-consciousness leading, in half of the cases, to death by mortification.”
“Well I feel like an absolute social pariah with some of the looks I’ve been getting on the street or in nightclubs,” exclaimed recent e-cig convert Brian O’ Byrne. “I’ve just noticed people looking at me strangely and sniggering.”
“Groups of men will sometimes nudge each other and point,” he continued. “Admittedly they could be pointing at my cock-shaped face tattoo or the fact that I’ve only got one ear, but I reckon it’s definitely the e-cig.”
“I’ve been getting all kinds of unwanted attention,” explained fellow e-cig smoker, Angela Barrett. “I’ve actually been telling people that I’m doing it for a dare because of the shame. Some of my female acquaintances have been saying how I look ‘uppity’ and that by being health conscious and not wanting to die from smoking I’m ‘putting on airs.'”
“If it keeps up I’ll probably revert back to normal cigarettes and just die of cancer,” she concluded. “At this point, it certainly seems like the least painful option.”
