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“Crystal Meth Actually Good For You” Admit Doctors

“Crystal Meth Actually Good For You” Admit Doctors

Doctors have today admitted that they have been wrong about crystal meth this whole time and that the powerful narcotic is actually amazingly beneficial for health and well being.

“It increases concentration and drive, providing a much needed energy boost for the carrying out of petty crimes and handbag robberies,” confirmed Department of Health spokesperson Dr. William Gould. “A strict diet of crystal meth is shown to improve brain function making it easier to count coins collected on the street by begging with a coffee cup.”

Dr. Gould claimed that crystal meth contains “zero saturated fats and is perfect for people who are on a low carb diet” while also providing “100% of your daily methamphetamine needs”.

“A strict crystal meth diet also helps people shed unwanted pounds, hair and teeth and promotes the growth of healthy scabs and unclean fingernails,” continued the report which assessed the health of 1000 meth addicts and concluded that they had the rugged lean health of a 19th century street urchin with taut, tense muscles from constant alertness coupled with an immunity to most infections from living in their own filth for long periods at a time.

“It’s absolutely fantastic as an appetite suppressant, often meth users will simply forget about having to eat which will eliminate a flabby stomach and give the face a beautiful sunken emaciated look,” continued Dr. Gould who recommended that crystal meth should be enjoyed as part of a healthy diet that involves plenty of alcohol, cigarettes and unprotected sex.

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“If people follow the crystal meth diet then they can expect to see results ranging from a reduction in unwanted bone density, a decrease in harmful bowel movements and removal of unwanted restorative sleep, within mere days of trying the super drug.”

Crystal is available from all good health food outlets, dodgy blokes on motorcycles and Silk Road.

View Comments (15)
  • just have to point out that Crystal Meth is not actually a narcotic (neither are Cocaine, LSD or Speed) – the researchers for QI came up with that little gem.

    • By definition a narcotic is any substance sold illegally and changes you feelings, thoughts and Etc.

      • It looks like you might need a little further education…;-p… Narcotics refers to anything that will make one sleepy. Booze could qualify. Opioids qualify. Valium and other benzodiazapines qualify, There is no way amphetamine is a narcotic. It is not a narcotic, BY DEFINITION! They can , all, be used illegally. if one so chooses. But, your smug attitude reveals you do not have the knowledge to be “schooling” others.

    • Speed is actually a term used for amphetamines in general. The military gives pilots “speed” for long flights they need to stay alert for, that doesn’t mean they are giving them meth though. More like a super clean amphetamine that will just keep them alert. I am not interested in amphetamines at all so I was under the same impression as you until someone corrected me.

    • Yeah! the faster you get off it, the healthier you become! Come on! It’s not about you, it’s about the people you support, with your habit! I dealt it for 10 years! STOP IT! You’re are only kidding yourself! If you want to have,”Craft Night”, have it at the stove, fixing dinner, for the person you love!

      • Come on. Everybody knows that it’s easier to support your family on speed. You can work those late shift and never get tired. Hell, think of the money you can save from the food you won’t eat!

        • Mister, I did it for ten years. Let me tell you what is not good for your family! It’s not good when they are in the car, and you’re driving down the freeway, and, all of a sudden you fall asleep at the wheel! It’s not good for your family when you wake up and can’t find your “stash”, so, you start accusing family members of stealing it! It’s not good for your family when you avoid vacations, because, you will be away from your supplier! I can go on and on. Think of the money you spend on the beer you can drink, because, you can’t get drunk and pass out! There are some good uses for meth, but not when you’re addicted to it! Times like when your son eats some mushrooms and has a bad trip! Two lines of meth should bring him right out of it! Hopefully! Nope I would rather take a trip to the doctors office! I would rather live life like a NORMAL human being!

          • Harden up,
            Wake up on Meth, do what you need to do and bang as many people you can. then go to sleep on Smack, have a good sleep. wake up and start again before you know it , its Christmas and you might be hungry by then. Listen to you people, choose your life cos what ever path you go down its going to be a roller coaster ride so if your not mentally prepare to come out on the other side, then you die alone or you can be normal and live a life dying thinking I should of live what ever life throws at me, instead no one comes to your funeral and you can take the money to the grave with you… Now do you want the blue pill or the red pill. Fuck it take them both, just remember don’t hurt the people around you. Peace

  • You guys better stop”bad mouthing” my sponsor ok! Crystal Meth is the reason i never get food stuck in my teeth..

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