A twenty one year old man from North London has successfully purchased his first iPhone after enduring almost four years of exclusion from social interaction.
While studying at Brighton University, computer science undergraduate Alex has been unable to successfully integrate himself within any existing friendship circle due to what social psychologists call “living in the moment syndrome”.
Alex’s erratic behaviour has led to complaints among Brighton’s club goers and even seen him barred from various venues. “I had to complain to the staff” says Emma who frequents tech-house nights throughout the week, “he stands in front of the rest of us dancing while we struggle to get decent pictures of the DJ! How am I supposed to let my Twitter followers know what a good time I’m pretending to have?”
Callum, a housemate from Alex’s first year at Brighton described his odd behaviour in shocking detail, “he just doesn’t understand how normal people work; rather than sit down at dinner in silence and play Angry Birds like the rest of us, he wanted to have actual conversations.”
Another of Alex’s few acquaintances from University, who proudly boasts a ratio of 600 followers to 558 following on Twitter, admitted that he did try to help Alex in eradicating such unconventional behaviour, “I would often tag him in some viral Facebook petition to save an indigenous tribe in the Amazon just to make him feel more involved with the rest of us”.
The mother of Alex has voiced her concern that his lack of time spent on Facebook has been severely detrimental to any potential friendships, “I can see the messages add up in his inbox every day while he’s busy venturing outside and talking face-to-face with people he might not even be Facebook friends with!”
The turning point for Alex finally came after he approached a girl for her phone number and was swiftly turned down after presenting her with his Samsung C3520. The girl who wishes to remain anonymous justified her reaction to Alex’s approach, “He didn’t even have Snapchat; how are we supposed to communicate with each other? He might’ve tried to actually talk to me over the phone!”
A spokesperson for Apple expressed their delight at Alex’s decision to buy in to the company’s vision for the world, “This is fantastic news, here at Apple we hear of success stories like this everyday and Alex is just the latest addition to our family whose life will become enriched by consuming our endless supply of products.”
Since purchasing his new smart phone Alex has released this statement: “Thank you to my many online followers; your newfound friendship complete with likes, retweets and favourites has given me a new lease of life. I can now look forward to meeting my future wife on Tinder and documenting my remaining years through a filter on Instagram.”
