A pretentious music fan has today released a statement indicating that when he talks authoritatively and incessantly about the best music he doesn’t mean to sound like a pretentious know-it-all, but if he does come across like one it’s only due to the fact that he knows more about music than you.
He went on to say that he was listening to all kinds of music before you were despite being five years younger and blamed his musical expertise on his three-chord knowledge of basic guitar songs, his abilities on Traktor, his discerning Pitchfork-approved taste and two semesters of university education where he mostly studied posing and passive aggressive arguing.
“I guess moi can sound pretentious when I’m spitting about beats,” explained Dalston-based twenty-something Alex, “but that’s only because when I talk about tuneages I actually know what I’m talking about and I’m not just expressing a lame ill-thought out preference like you are.”
“You just don’t know the right people I’m afraid,” continued Alex, whose girlfriend dresses as non-gender specific as possible using bowler hats and stretched jumpers and likes to drink out of empty jars as opposed to glasses. “Nobody who matters is into whatever it is that you’re listening to right now. You’re like six months behind what Vice magazine says is really happening and so for that reason your opinion is totally invalid.”
Alex was also able to make the prediction that you know less than him because you probably still listen to gangster rap non-ironically and confuse simple genre definitions like dubstep and brostep, which he says are so self evidently different that “even some pleb like you” should be able to differentiate between them.
Listing some of his favourite conversational traits as correcting your pronunciation on band’s names or specifying exactly which album a particular track comes from, Alex claimed that he’s “doing that for your own good” and not to show you up and embarrass you in front of women.
Having swirled his jar of wine to oxygenate it and pushed his lens-less frame glasses up his nose Alex explained that his knowledge of music is vaster than yours because he has better educated himself on the subject by going along with whatever trendy genre Hypemachine tells him to, liking it to an extent that it defines his identity for six months and then moving on, “like a proper music fan”.
Alex concluded by looking down his nose at you and saying that he’s better at everything than you are and that when it comes to music “you don’t know what you’re talking about so stop interrupting [him] because you’re just embarrassing yourself. Pffffftt.”
